


Everywhere That You Feel Stars

by DangersUntoldHardshipsUnnumbered



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Emotional Sex, F/F, First Time, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-05-15
Packaged: 2019-04-18 04:07:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 32,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14204703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DangersUntoldHardshipsUnnumbered/pseuds/DangersUntoldHardshipsUnnumbered
Summary: Just some sweet, sweet emotional smut with my OTP.  What may have happened after the short "Starflower", in which Astra betrayed Non and sold out Myriad, with help from Alex.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Starflower](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11426535) by [orphan_account](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account). 



Alex had no idea what to do with Astra.

The op had been successful.  They had ended Myriad. Non was trapped in a Kryptonite cell in the belly of the DEO’s desert outpost, along with a number of their Fort Rozz lieutenants.  Alex was mostly in one piece (a sprained wrist when Non pitched her across a parking lot, it was kind of a miracle she wasn’t more hurt). Astra, on the other hand, seemed… shattered.

Kara was still in Greece, swimming off of Santorini and studying the classics or whatever.  Everything had happened so quickly with Astra’s deal, and the stakes had been so high, that Alex hadn’t been able to reach out to her and tell her what was going on.  And she wasn’t sure it was a good idea to bother her now, with Astra in the state she was in.

Astra was still sleeping in Alex’s bed.  Alex started every night on the couch, and finished it in the bed next to Astra.  Astra was often in a fetal position, sobbing uncontrollably, or worse, just silently trembling.  Alex felt powerless.

She had almost forgotten the night before the op, when Astra climbed into bed with her, and in seeking comfort, had impulsively kissed her.  Almost. It never seemed like a good time to mention it, but Alex had felt something with those kisses that connected her to Astra, and she couldn’t shake it off.  She felt that somehow, easing Astra’s sorrow had become her responsibility. And she certainly couldn’t have Kara come flying back from Greece and accusing her of breaking her aunt.

So tonight was a replay of the last ten or so.  Alex lay on the couch, staring at the clock about to turn its glowing numbers over to 3 a.m.  What was the point in going to sleep when Astra was just going to wake her up? 

Tonight it was sobs, anguished and ragged from the depths of her belly.  Alex kicked off the blanket and wandered over to the bed. She sat down on the edge, and placed a hand on Astra’s shoulder.  “Astra,” she whispered.

“You…”  Astra gasped and then drew a trembling breath.  “...you do not need to be kind to me anymore, Alex.”

Alex squeezed her shoulder, hard.  Astra, just like Kara, liked the deep pressure.  “I’m not kind to you because some rule says I have to be,” she said wearily.  “I do it because you’re in pain, and I…” She sighed. “I care for you.”

Astra convulsed a little, keeping a sob back.  “But I… I have dishonored….”

Alex bore down.  “No,” she interrupted.  “You realized that you were about to do something terrible, something your god would never have wanted, and you made a difficult choice.  An honorable choice.”

“But Non…” she began, and then couldn’t speak.

“Astra, Non was dangerous, and you may have had a bond with him, but…”

“I did not love him,” Astra whispered.  She turned onto her back and looked at Alex.  Her face was streaked with tears. Her chin still trembled.  

Alex wiped some of the tears away.  “Yeah, but he meant  _ something _ to you.  Clearly. You had an honor-bond and that’s not small, I know what that means to Kryptonians.”

Astra nodded.  

Alex leaned down and kissed Astra’s forehead.  It was mostly chaste, intended to comfort. She felt Astra breathe a little sigh, so she lingered for a moment before sitting up.  “You chose billions of people’s lives over his. You feel you dishonored him. That’s why you don’t think you deserve my kindness,” she realized.

“You understand,” Astra whispered.  She clasped Alex’s hand.

“You made your choice from a place of strength,” Alex pressed.

“I do not feel strong.” 

“You are,” Alex whispered.  “You are. Believe me, honor is important to me too, Astra.  And I wouldn’t care for you if I thought you didn’t have it.”

Astra lay silent, trembling and staring at Alex for a little while.  

“Now, what can I do to make you feel better?”

“Kiss me again?” Astra said, a little hesitant.

Alex leaned down and kissed Astra’s forehead again, and started to sit up.  But Astra moved her hands to Alex’s face and caught her, holding her only a few inches away.  “Like before,” she said softly.

Alex relaxed and leaned down, and let her lips brush against Astra’s, softly, carefully.  She leaned into the kiss, a little at a time, half waiting for Astra to change her mind. She didn’t.

“It comforts me,” Astra sighed quietly, sounding sad and a little confused.  

“Yeah,” Alex agreed.  She leaned into another soft, gentle kiss.  Her heart sped up. This was, strangely enough, what she’d always thought you were supposed to feel when you kissed someone; a lightness in the bones, a shiver of warmth down the nerves.  

Astra pressed back against the kiss, still gentle, but exploring.  Alex felt those long fingers rake through her hair and pull her in deeper.  Astra’s lips parted, a soft invitation, and Alex’s tongue brushed over them, ever so quick and light.  Astra whimpered softly. Alex pulled back. “Are you alright?”

“Yes.”  And then Astra pulled her into another kiss.  

Alex felt the breath in her lungs become thicker.  She wanted to be closer. “I’m gonna… lay down with you,” she mumbled in between kisses.

She pulled the rest of herself up onto the bed, and settled in, half on top of Astra, and kissed her again.  She was vaguely aware that all of this was very strange, but she wanted more of Astra, more of her kisses and more of her warmth.  She propped up on one elbow and her other hand dug into Astra’s hair. “Still feeling comforted?”

“Yes,” Astra sighed.

Alex had never considered that maybe she hadn’t found the right guy because the right guy might be a woman.  She pushed that out of her head and let herself become dizzy at the feeling of Astra’s lips against hers. She tasted them, and tasted them again.  She slid her tongue into Astra’s mouth, and Astra moaned. Alex clutched at her hair. She wanted more. She realized she only had a vague idea of what more actually meant.  It didn’t matter. “You feel incredible,” she sighed. 

Astra’s tongue tentatively tasted Alex’s lips, and then dipped in between them.  Alex made a little sighing sound. 

“You taste like mint,” Astra managed in between kisses.

“Mm.  Toothpaste.”

“Is this normal?”  

They kissed a moment more and then Alex chuckled.  “Nothing about this is normal. But it’s okay.”

Astra stopped for a moment.  “It is?”

“Yeah.”  Alex gazed at her for a long moment.  She trailed a finger down Astra’s strong cheekbone, and down to her chin.  “You need it. And I think I do too.”

It was as if saying this gave Astra permission to burn, and the next kiss was less tentative.  Heat was growing between them, and they stopped exploring each others’ mouths and instead consumed them.  They bit at each other’s lips, licked hungrily into each other’s mouths. Alex was surprised to hear herself moan again.   _ Jesus _ , she realized,  _ I think I’m wet. _

“Alex, wait.”  Astra stopped her for a moment.  She seemed troubled.

_ Oh God, _ Alex thought irrationally.   _ She knows I’m turned on.   _ “What’s wrong?”

Astra’s face was troubled, and a little… ashamed?  “There is something you must know.”

Alex kept her voice neutral.  What could it possibly be? “What’s that?”

“As you know,” she said shakily, “sexual desire was bred out of our people, for the most part.  Sometimes, though, it shows up as a … recessive trait in some genetic lines. I was treated for it, with shots–”

“Treated for it?”  Alex was aghast. “Like it’s a disease?”

Astra nodded.  “The shots only needed to be administered every ten years. But…”  She started to well up again. “...mine has worn off…”

Alex peered at her in confusion.

“Please, do not think less of me…”  Astra began to cry again. “But the way you kissed me, it… I cannot help … it has woken lust in me.  I am sorry… I desire you…”

Alex’s mouth dropped open.  And then she had to hold back laughter.  And then she was overwhelmed with sympathy and maybe a little grief at Astra’s experience.  “Think less of you?” She kissed Astra again, and said gently, “Look, this is… it’s okay. It’s okay.  It would be a little weird if we were kissing like that and didn’t want each other.”

Astra seemed confused.  

“It’s not an affliction, Astra, not to us.”  She stroked her cheek, and smiled. “The way we were kissing… um, you know, it kind of woke something in me too.”

“But…”  Astra reddened.  “I wish to…” She floundered.  “...copulate?”

Alex laughed.  “Please don’t use that word ever again.”

Astra frowned.

“Look, it’s technically correct, but it’s… a little sterile.”

Astra clearly still didn’t quite understand.

Alex kissed her again.  “I do that because I feel things for you.  I care for you. I want to make you feel good.  And…” It was her turn to flush a little. “...and because I… I also want you.  And that word… doesn’t express all those things.”

Astra nodded, thinking about this.  “What shall I say instead?”

Alex thought.  “Make love is okay.  Or you know… um, sometimes you can just say, um… be intimate…”

“You wish to… make love, then?”

Alex nodded. 

“But…”  Astra pulled her in for another deep, slow kiss.  “...I do not know how.”

Alex chuckled.  “Yeah, um… I’ve, uh, never done that with a woman, so I’m not exactly an expert either.  We’re going to have to figure this out together.”

Astra seemed comforted by the idea that Alex was not so much wiser than she was.  

They kissed again, and this time, they let go, and let their hunger for each other roll over them.  Alex wanted to burrow into Astra’s body, kiss every inch of it, consume her until she was sated. This, it occurred to her, was what it was to want someone.  She mumbled in between hot, messy kisses, “I want to… kiss you… in… other places…”

“Where?” Astra mumbled back.

Alex pulled away, drawing a deep breath.  She was on fire, and it felt like Astra was too, but this was all too new.  She traced a finger down a tendon on Astra’s throat, and Astra shivered underneath her.  “Here? Can I?” She gave her a questioning look.  _ Please say yes, please say yes,  _ she prayed silently. 

Astra nodded.  “Yes.”

Alex laid her lips against the soft skin and bit, gently, and Astra moaned.  She licked, softly, and then kissed, and Astra sighed her name.

“How do you feel?” Alex whispered as she slowly worked from the base of Astra’s throat up to her jaw.

“My sense of touch is… sharper…”  She struggled to articulate herself as Alex slowly kissed, licked, and bit her way up Astra’s neck.  “...it feels as if all of my skin longs for the way you… kiss me … and…”

Alex bit just below Astra’s ear.  

Astra groaned.  “...and that place is particularly good.”

Alex smiled.  “Other side, then?”

Astra could only nod vigorously.

Alex placed a finger on her chin and gently turned Astra’s head the other way.  She worked her way slowly down the other side of her neck, feeling every little gasp and sigh run down her spine.  She tugged at the pajama top till it slipped off Astra’s shoulder. The slope of it, the muscles, they were perfect.  What a feeling it was, she thought, to look at the simple fact of a woman’s shoulder and have it fill her with fresh need.  “Can I?”

Astra nodded again.

Alex tilted her head down and sank her teeth gently into Astra’s shoulder.  She gasped. Alex couldn’t help a little moan in response. 

“Harder,” Astra requested.

Alex complied.

“I feel…”  Astra’s hands were grasping at Alex’s shirt now, gripping handfuls of the soft, stretchy fabric.  “...stars…”

“Stars?” Alex panted.  “Where?”   


Astra fumbled for a moment with the button on the pajama shirt she was wearing and after a few seconds of frustration, simply yanked it open, all the buttons popping off and flying away into the dark.  Alex bit her lip so hard she was surprised she didn’t draw blood. “Jesus,” she whispered. Astra’s body was beautiful. Her breasts were firm and she could see the nipples standing stiff against the warm air.  Alex ached to take them in her mouth and suck them, and then kiss down her marble-carved abs. “You’re perfect,” was all she could say.

Astra’s eyes welled up.  “No…”

“I see you,” Alex answered fiercely, “and you  _ are _ perfect.  And I want to kiss everywhere that you feel stars.”

“Alex…”

“Do you want me to?”

“Yes.”

“Then show me.  Show me where.”

Astra brushed a shaking hand over her breast.  Alex took her hand, paused to linger in a long, sweet kiss against Astra’s mouth, and then kissed down the swell of her breast, and sucked gently on her nipple.  Astra arched into her mouth and cried her name. And then, “Harder.”

Alex placed her hands on Astra’s ribcage, and sucked harder.  She felt Astra writhe a little underneath her. She bit, carefully, and then Astra begged, “Harder.”

She was beginning to see a trend.

She crawled back up and kissed her roughly.  She buried hands in Astra’s hair and pulled. She was rewarded with the feeling of Astra’s hips grinding against hers, seeking more.  Alex couldn’t help but thrust back, and they were locked together, their thighs tangled together, their bodies seeking pleasure from each other with each movement of their hips.

“Alex,” Astra moaned, “Alex, Alex…”

Their breathing was ragged and out of sync.  As they pitched against each other, Alex panted,  “Astra… there are… a lot of things I don’t know how to do… but… there’s one thing I know how to do that I think you’ll like.”

“What is it?”   


“I… want to touch you.  Here.” And she pushed a little with the thigh that was pressed between Astra’s legs.  “With my fingers. Will you trust me?”

Astra paused, and then nodded.  “I trust you.”

Alex rolled off of her and settled in beside her, kissing her face and neck as she got comfortable.  She brushed a hand down her bare stomach, then paused at the loose elastic of the waistband of the pajamas.  She kissed Astra once again on the mouth, and gently slid her hand down, over the rough thatch of hair, to where the soft flesh of her sex was soaking wet.  Astra gasped.

Alex paused, and pulled back to look at her.  “Are you okay?”

Astra’s breathing was stuttering in her chest.  She nodded. “Yes.”

Alex smiled gently.  “Okay. I’m gonna try some things, and you can tell me what you like best, and we’ll go from there, alright?”

“Yes,” Astra whispered.

Alex’s fingers searched a moment in the warm wetness.  “God,” she whispered appreciatively, “you’re so wet.”

“Is that good?”

“Yes, very.  It means you like what we’ve been doing.”  She found the stiff little nub of flesh and knew she’d hit the spot when Astra gave out a little “oh!” and went rigid for a moment.

Alex started with a slow, gentle rubbing, with three fingers, softly circling her clit, the way she liked when she was taking care of herself.  Astra moved against her touch and muttered something in Kryptonian. Alex chuckled. “Yeah, I like that too. Now, we can also go a little faster…”  She quickened her pace, and Astra shuddered again and gripped the sheets. “So, we like faster, then?”

Astra nodded.  

“And I bet,” Alex guessed, increasing the pressure as she rubbed, “you like harder, too.”

Astra could only groan and grind her hips against Alex’s hand.  Alex kept going with that for a few minutes, feeling the tension coiling in Astra’s body, her fingers moving inside Astra’s pants.   _ God, _ she thought,  _ this is the hottest I’ve ever been for someone. _  All she wanted in the world was the sounds of pleasure that Astra was making.  “Alex, Alex…” she was moaning. “...Stars… oh, Rao, stars…”

Alex slowed for a moment.  “I don’t want it to be over yet,” she whispered.  

They kissed for a moment.  Astra was shaking, and Alex realized that she was too.  

“I…”  Alex looked at her, her eyes hazy with desire.  She could not remember wanting to see someone come the way she wanted to see Astra come.  “I’d like to try going inside you,” she said softly. “If you’re willing.”

Astra smiled, and for a moment Alex thought she looked shy.  She nodded.

“Let me know if you don’t like it, okay?  It’s not for everyone.”

She needn’t have worried.  She slowly slid an exploratory finger into Astra and found her wet, soft and quivering.  She pushed a little further in, and Astra released a long, gentle sound somewhere between a sigh and a moan.  She pushed in and out a few times, gentle and slow, and Astra’s mouth dropped open, and she shook. Her eyes found Alex’s, a look of … surprise?... on her face.  Alex paused. “You okay?”

“You are… you are inside me…”

“Yeah,” Alex whispered, and kissed her chest.  “Is it alright?”

Astra nodded.  “Yes… it is… we are… so close to one another now…”

“Yeah.”  Alex had been with any number of men, had let them inside her, but it had never felt sexy, and it had certainly never felt emotionally intimate or special.  This, then, was another first. “Do you like being this close?”

Astra’s eyes spilled over with tears.  “It is so much more than I … yes. I want you this close, always.  I did not know… I did not know that this was …”

Alex kissed her, and they held just like that for a moment.  “It’s beautiful,” Alex sighed.

“Yes.”

Alex began to move her fingers slowly in and out again.  “I love being inside you,” she whispered hoarsely.

“You are making me feel… so much…”

“You’re so beautiful, Astra…”

“Alex… Alex… you have taken my sadness from me…”

“That’s all I want… I want to make you feel good…”

“You are…”

She moved faster, and Astra began moving against her touch again.  “You want this…”

“Yes.”

“You want me…”  Alex rasped.

“Yes.”  Astra’s entire body and being was moving with Alex’s gentle thrusts.  Alex knew she was close.

“I want you too Astra… I’m on fire for you…”

“Alex…”

“Yes?”   


“Harder.”

Alex obliged, pushing into her, deep, hard and fast.  She was consumed with Astra’s pleasure; she ached to see her come undone.  She pushed, fucking her with all the muscle she had, until Astra was trembling, flushing, and rising up off the bed.  “Astra, you’ve got to let go…”

“What happens when I let go?”

“Just trust me.”

Astra closed her eyes.  Alex thrust into her and held there, pressing in firmly as Astra ground herself against Alex’s fingers and found the release she didn’t know she needed.  She whipped her head to the side and a bolt of red light shot from her eyes and seared a hole through the blinds and the window glass. She was moaning Alex’s name.

She shook violently for several moments, and Alex held her, patiently keeping her fingers where they were and letting Astra’s orgasm roll over her for what felt like several minutes.  Finally, she withdrew, and gently cupped her hand over Astra’s sex, and said softly in her ear, “I wanted that for you, so badly.”  She glanced up.  "Even if my window had to pay the price."

Astra clutched Alex to her chest and wept softly.  “Why did my people give this up?” she wondered aloud. 

Alex sighed.  “Search me.”

Astra’s eyes lit up.  “Can I?”

Alex smiled.  “Slow your roll, there, Kryptonian.  I think you might need to watch me for a minute so you can learn how it’s done.”

Astra released her hold and turned onto her side.  “Please,” she purred, “do not let me stop you. I am very interested.”

Alex smiled.  “I have no doubt you’ll be a quick study.  And like I said, there are things I don’t know how to do but… we can rent some… instructional videos for that.”

Astra looked intrigued.  She reached out with one hand and tore Alex’s pajama pants off.  “I grow impatient,” she said with a small smile. “Show me how to please you, Alex.  I wish to take away your sadness as you have taken away mine.”

Alex rolled onto her back.  “Watch and learn.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, I guess this is continuing. Don't judge me. I write smut when I'm stressed out and I'm very stressed out.

Astra was reeling again, for the hundredth time in half as many days.  But this time, the reason was a happy one.

The introduction of sex into her world had taken her by surprise.  She knew of course that in many —most— species, it was an urge as strong as hunger or thirst.  Intellectually, she understood this. But the way she felt after Alex had touched her… she understood more clearly Alex’s objections to medical, technical words for it.  She felt as though a new color had been added to the world and now she could see it everywhere, infused in everything. It was as if she had known a full lifetime never having seen the color blue, and now suddenly, she was tossed into the ocean.  She swam in blue, it permeated her skin and reflected in her eyes. 

She now sat perched on the bed between Alex’s ankles, watching her stroke herself for a long while.  “How often do you do this for yourself?” she asked.

Alex chuckled.  “Kind of a lot, actually.”

“That is why you are good at it, then.”

Alex seemed amused, and maybe a little perplexed by this comment.  “Er, thanks?” She closed her eyes and let out a long breath, moving her fingers softly up and down through her wet folds.

Astra found herself entranced, fascinated with taking in every detail of Alex and what she was doing; the tension in the muscles of her thighs, the hypnotic circles her fingers made, and the smell… She had nothing to compare any of it to.  The skipping of her heartbeat, and when she closed her eyes, moments where she seemed so blissful. Astra crept nearer and gingerly touched Alex’s wrist. “Alex… may I… may I try? I have been watching very carefully.”

Alex looked fondly at her.  “Yeah, okay… come lay down here.”  She patted the mattress next to her.  “Just like I did with you.”

Astra laid down carefully next to her.  She breathed the smell of Alex’s skin, tea tree oil, and her hair, something clean and unfussy.  She had come to know those smells from the nights in which they had held each other. But they seemed more vivid now, because they were married to the intensity of sex, the blinding pleasure of orgasm.  “I hope you will be patient.”

Alex turned her head and kissed her.  “Astra, I’m not that much better at this than you are.  I just … you know… touch myself a lot.” 

Astra traced her fingers down Alex’s belly, which was firm and pleasing to the touch.  She crept slowly down between Alex’s thighs, and felt her, warm and wet. Her eyes closed for a moment.  She remembered what Alex had said not so long ago,  _ if you’re wet, it means you like what we’ve been doing _ .  

“So you have enjoyed this as much as I have.”

“Yeah, Astra, I’ve enjoyed this.”  Astra felt that there were many words behind that, but that Alex was simply not ready to say them or did not know what they were.

Astra let her fingers explore the contours of how Alex’s sex was made, shivering with apprehension, desire, curiosity.  It felt decadent; warm, wet, lurid, and sweet. Alex gave a little sigh, and brought her hand up to Astra’s face.

“Take your time,” she said, reassuring her.

“But I have not found the place,” Astra said with some dismay.

“Take it easy,” Alex said with a gentle chuckle.  “It all feels good, you know. Besides, your sex drive was asleep until, what, a couple of weeks ago?”

“I am a high achiever,” Astra sniffed.

She had become aware of her desire, she recalled, the very first time she laid eyes on Alex.  She had not identified it for what it was, then. But she remembered looking at Alex as she pulled off her helmet after defeating the hellgrammite, the confidence and fearlessness and fire that emanated from her, and feeling something stir in her gut.  It had been small, and faint, but there. She remembered kneeling down and, even as they fought, feeling compelled to touch her. 

Alex sighed.  “Astra, it’s not a contest, and you’re not getting graded.”  She sighed again. “Look, here…” She scooted up a little and said, “...just lay your head on my chest, okay?  I’m gonna just…” She placed her hand over Astra’s. “...I’ll just show you like this, what I like, and how I like it.  Sound good?”

Astra nodded and settled down, resting her head on Alex’s chest and listening to her heartbeat.  Alex’s hand was warm on the back of hers, and Astra allowed herself to follow Alex’s pressure and rhythm and stroke.  She slid her hand down, lightly pressed a finger into her entrance, where it was wettest. Alex made a small, happy sound, and then moved her hand back up, her middle finger over Astra’s, dragging the slippery wetness upward, toward the top.  Astra felt the firm little bit of flesh under her fingertip, and Alex let out a little sigh. “Feel that?” 

“Yes.”

“That’s the good stuff.”

Astra smiled, and let Alex’s finger guide hers in a gentle circle over it.  She heard the change in Alex’s breath and heartbeat immediately. “That’s good,” Alex whispered encouragingly.

Astra was surprised at how light a touch she used.  “Is it enough?”

“Yeah, it’s perfect.”

Astra looked down at their hands moving together, felt the up and down movement of Alex’s chest as she breathed, and felt herself growing aroused again.  She quickened her touch a little. Alex moaned quietly. “You feel…” She searched for a word to describe it. “...your desire, your lust, I… I could drown in it.”

Alex shivered a little. They were quiet for a few moments as Alex guided her touch, increasing pressure a little, changing her stroke, quietly assuring her that it felt good.  Astra thrilled at it. To make someone feel this good was a gift from the divine. To give this to Alex, who had made her feel so good, was more than she could explain. 

She felt Alex shift her hand and lay three fingers against her clit, which was now swollen, and press them in a little more firmly.  “This was how you touched me,” Astra commented.

Alex just nodded.  Her eyes were closed, and she moaned a little bit as she pressed Astra’s fingers into her.   She opened them and looked at Astra for a moment, a half-lidded, hazy look that told Astra that she was intoxicated with how good it felt.  It was all the fire Astra had seen in her, but now it burned only for the two of them. Astra’s body was caught in it, the lust aching again between her legs as she watched Alex draw nearer to that moment of pure pleasure, pure fire, pure sugar, pure light.  

She heard her own heart pounding out of time with the mad beating of Alex’s, her own moaning mingling with Alex’s little gasps and sighs.  “Alex,” she breathed.

“Astra,” Alex breathed back.  “I’m gonna come…”

Astra tilted her head down and caught one of Alex’s nipples in her mouth.  That had felt good when Alex had done it for her. Alex shuddered. Her fingers were frantic now.  

“I’m coming…”  And then she went stiff for a minute, continuing to move her fingers.  Astra felt the way her clit seemed to become extra hard, twitching against her touch.  She felt a billion little tremors shake Alex’s frame and relished the fevered sounds she made.  She had been to countless worlds and seen many things that defied description but she swore at this moment that she had never seen anything as beautiful as Alex, shaking with pleasure, cradling both their hands between her legs.

They were both still half-clothed, Astra in pajama bottoms and Alex in her top.  Astra suddenly wanted nothing so much as to feel all of her. Once Alex had stopped shaking, Astra whispered, “Did I take your sadness?”

Alex smiled a tired smile.  “Yeah. You did.”

Astra wanted to keep touching her, but each little movement of her fingers made Alex twitch and giggle.  “She needs a break, Astra.”

“She?”

Alex nodded in the direction of where their hands still rested.  “She. My, uh, lady.”

Astra was sure she understood what Alex meant, but not why.  “Why do you personify your genitals?”

Alex laughed.  “I… I don’t know.  People are… I don’t know, we feel a little awkward talking about them I guess, so we personify them, or we give them different nicknames and things.”

This perplexed Astra further.  “Does yours have a nickname? I would not want to address… her… improperly.”

“Henrietta.”

“What?!”

“I’m kidding.  No, I don’t mean it like that.  I just mean… people have different words they use.  Different from the medical words.”

“Because the medical words do not convey how you feel about them.”

“Exactly.  They’re not sexy.  Or cute.”

Astra thought about this as she threw a leg over Alex’s and drew closer.  “So if you call it your… lady… that is… cute?”

Alex’s shoulder moved and Astra could feel the shrug.  “I don’t know. Is it?”

Astra wasn’t sure.  “What other choices are there?”

Alex started laughing again.  “Just...all the words, huh?”

“Yes.  I want to know options.  How are we to communicate and become better at this if we do not have agreed-upon language?”

Alex sighed.  “Okay.” She chuckled a little.  “I’m going to leave out the ones I don’t like, because there are a lot of gross ones.”  She took a deep breath. “Let’s see… there’s beaver, honeypot, punany, fancy bits–” Astra snorted at this one.  “–look I didn’t make these up… jelly roll, quim, pussy…”

She went on for a few minutes, listing many names.  Astra was amazed that there were so many. She stopped her frequently to go back and ask about this euphemism or that. It was fascinating.  The categories seemed to mainly be furry animals, food, or made-up words. She interrupted the ongoing list. “Do you… like these words?”

Alex shrugged.  “I don’t mind them, I guess.  Mostly. I mean, they don’t get me aroused or anything.”

“What does?”

Alex paused.  “I… I don’t know, actually.”

Astra thought.  “Why not?”

Alex paused again.  “I guess because I haven’t heard them said by someone who got me aroused.”

Astra considered for a moment.  “So, if I were to say, Alex, I want you to touch my fancy bits again…”

Alex gave a belly laugh.  “God, no. That’s really silly.”

Astra nodded in agreement and tried to remember the list.  “How about, Alex, please touch my beaver again.”

Alex scrunched up her nose.  “Better. But still no.”

Astra thought some more.  She nuzzled Alex’s chest. “Alex,” she whispered, “please touch my pussy again.”

Alex’s breath caught in the back of her throat.  She bit her lip. “Damn,” she murmured. “I thought I wasn’t a fan of that word but apparently, I am.”

“Yes?”

“Yes.  I really liked the way that sounded coming out of your mouth.”  Alex squeezed her tightly. “Say it again.”

“Alex,” she whispered again, “will you please touch my pussy again?”

“Oh my god,” Alex moaned quietly.  “That’s… that’s really hot.”

Alex’s response was making Astra aroused again.  This was no longer a communication exercise. She was really asking.  “Alex, please… I want your fingers again.”

Alex’s breathing was picking up.  “Where do you want them?”

“In my pussy.”

“Jesus Christ,” Alex groaned.  “Take off your pants.”

Astra turned onto her back and lifted her hips, shimmying out of the pants.  “It is a sex word?” she inquired.

“Yeah,” Alex breathed, peeling out of her shirt.  “It’s a sex word. It makes me want to fuck you.”

“Fuck?”

“Make love.  But… sexier.”

Astra liked the sound of this.  “I would like that,” she decided as she felt a little jolt of pleasure at Alex’s naked skin pressing against hers.  “Your body feels wonderful,” she breathed. 

Alex was staring at her with smoky eyes. She smoldered beside Astra.  “Yours is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

“I want you, Alex,” Astra whispered.  “I feel stars… I need you to touch them.”

“Where?”  Alex knew where.  But she wanted to hear Astra say it.

“In my pussy,” she breathed.  She enjoyed the way Alex twitched and bit her lip every time she said it.  Every time she got a response from Alex with it, the word took on more weight for her.  “Will you… fuck me?”

“Yeah,” Alex replied, her voice husky.  She slipped down and began to nibble at Astra’s shoulders.  Astra sighed with delight as Alex’s hand slid down between her legs for the second time tonight.  “You’re amazing, Astra,” Alex was sighing, “everything about you is amazing. Your body, your mind, your spirit.  And yeah…” She slipped a finger inside her. Astra gasped. “...your pussy.” Alex pumped her finger in and out a few times, and Astra felt herself flood all over again.  “And yes. I’m going to fuck you.”


	3. Chapter 3

Alex woke, feeling almost hung over.  This was impossible of course. She’d been sober nearly a year.  But she’d been sleeping hard, that much she could feel. As she clawed her way up to consciousness, she became aware of Astra’s warmth beside her.  Not so strange, it had been that way lately. Then as she rose through another layer of waking, she realized that they were both naked. The night before came flooding back and she opened her eyes.

Astra’s head was in the curve of her neck, and her breathing tickled a little.  A moment of panic overcame Alex. How, she wondered, could this have possibly been a good idea?  The night before the op, when they’d kissed… well, that was just an aberration, a weird isolated thing because they both needed comfort.  But yes, it all came flooding in and she realized that they had had what most rational adults would call sex last night. And frankly, quite a bit of it.

She needed to clear her mind.  She delicately extricated herself from Astra’s arms and rolled out of bed.  She slid into her pajama pants which were in a pile on the floor and then recovered her top.  A little breeze whistled through the hole in the window.  _ Oh, that’s right.  I made her come so hard she lasered it with her eyes. _

That should be funny.  But it wasn’t. Alex was feeling something awfully close to panic.  She found her mat, brought it out in front of the window near the kitchen where the sun poured in, spread it out, and sat down, cross legged.  She pulled a deep breath, and then another, and just pushed everything out of her mind and let the air move through her. She focused on the beat of her own heart, the rhythm that it made against the rhythm of the world, and let her thoughts disappear into the quiet susurrations of breathe in, breathe out.  

She heard Astra rise, heard her soft footfalls.  Astra understood what meditation was to Alex. She was quiet, not wanting to disturb, but drew nearer.  Alex took in the sounds of her steps without acknowledging their significance, only listening to quiet impact of the soles of her feet and then how the floorboards protested underneath them.  She felt Astra lingering at the edge of her space.

Eyes still closed, Alex said, “Are you alright?”

“Yes,” Astra’s voice came from behind her.  “Are you?”

After a beat, Alex answered honestly:  “I don’t know.”

“What troubles you?”

Alex breathed.  Released. Let go the weight of the world.  “I don’t know who I am after last night.”

Astra’s voice was gentle, confused.  “You are Alex. You are the warrior who saved my life.  You are sister to my niece. You are the soldier scientist who worships the fat god whose words I like so much.  How has any of this changed?”

Alex smiled a little.  The Buddha wasn’t a God that one worshipped, strictly speaking, but she’d feel pedantic if she tried to explain that now.  Staring at the darkness behind her lids, she said, “I guess it hasn’t. I just… I don’t know… I didn’t think I… I felt this way.”

“About me?”

“About women.”

Astra paused a long while before answering.  Alex breathed. In, out. The rush of the blood in her veins, the squeeze and release of her diaphragm centered her.  Finally, Astra spoke. “I do not know how I feel about women. Or men. I know only what I feel about you.”

Alex contemplated this.  “And what is that?”

Astra knelt down behind her.  “I admire you. I respect you.  My soul aches to know yours more deeply.  And my body craves your touch. My fingers long to explore you, know all the places that give you pleasure.  I have become aware of desiring you most thoroughly, and it is a door that I do not know how to shut now that it is open.”

Alex’s breath grew shaky.  She could practically feel Astra’s fingers all over her skin as she spoke, even though she wasn’t touching her.  

“Your heart,” Astra commented.  “It is pounding.”

Alex breathed in.  Held it. Released.  Every word of Astra’s rang true, rang in her like someone banging a gong in her chest.  “Well, for some reason I’m a little distracted by the idea of your fingers exploring me,” she sighed weakly.

Astra scoffed quietly.  “Go back to your breathing, Starflower,” she murmured, and she leaned so close that Alex could feel her breath on the exposed part of her shoulder. “I will leave you be.”

But before she could consider her response, Alex found herself saying, “Wait.  Breathe with me.”

Astra stilled.  “Where shall I sit?”

“Wherever.”

Astra positioned herself behind Alex, knees on either side of her hips, her front flush against Alex’s back.  

“You’re still naked,” Alex noticed, trying not to chuckle.   _ Breathe in, breathe out. _

Astra made a small sound of acknowledgment.  

Alex breathed in.  The air came into her lungs, flowed in, fed the blood, expanded her chest.  Her ribcage opened a little, her back straightened. She held for a moment, and released.  Astra was not leaning against her, only breathing beside her, her skin resting against Alex.  The flow of air escaped her mouth and released the tension that had gathered in her shoulders.  

The next breath, Astra took with her.  In, the oxygen flowing, ribcages expanding, bodies in alignment.  Out, shoulders contracting, bodies releasing, tension blowing away through lightly puckered lips.  The length of each breath was matched, in, and then out, until Alex could no longer tell whose breath was whose.  They were existing together, breathing together, part of the world, part of each other’s breath.

In her best moments of meditation, her most perfect moments of zen, Alex experienced a feeling as though time had not stopped but ceased to exist entirely.  She felt whole and at one with herself, but also fully connected and part of the world in which she existed. Her body and breath were a service to the universe.  It was benevolent in its nothingness. She now shared that moment with Astra, who was with her, connected to her, touching her in this moment of timeless time. 

“Does your Buddha not say,” Astra whispered after how long, Alex couldn’t say, “do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment?”

Alex nodded.  “Yes.” Astra had been paying attention when Alex talked about her dharma practice.

“This is the present moment.  I am with you in it. Do not dwell on how you once thought of yourself, or how you will see yourself when this moment is over, or the next, or the next.  Dwell in this moment, with me.”

Astra’s arms circled her waist, still careful not to press, to squeeze, to push, pull or demand.  She felt Astra’s breath, the expansion and contraction of her ribs, and she adjusted to meet it again, to be one in that moment with her.  She felt Astra’s fingertips, light as air, settle on the insides of her wrists, where the blue veins beat against the skin. She felt the fit of their bodies and the presence of Astra’s chin against her shoulder.  And she became aware of the loneliness in herself, and the hunger, not of body but of spirit. The truth that she had tried to bury with alcohol, with combat. She let herself melt back into Astra’s body. She didn’t fight it.  She didn’t doubt it. 

“Yes, Starflower,” Astra whispered.  “I feel your ache in my own chest.” She kissed Alex’s neck then, very softly, like butterfly wings.

One arm remained around Alex’s waist, supporting her, but the other hand roamed with soft, feathering touches.  Along her hairline, down her cheekbone. Astra fingers swirled patterns down the side of her neck, the arc of her collarbone.  They drew faint, incandescent characters down her sternum, descending the ladders of her ribs, relishing the place where she turned soft as ribcage became stomach.  They traced the pattern of her tattoo on her tricep, the character in inky black that represented her dharma name. “Myoge,” Astra whispered. She remembered it. “Starflower.”

Alex became liquid under Astra’s gentle fingers, letting them probe and question every inch of her skin.  She was vaguely aware when Astra took her arms and raised them to tug her shirt off, but by then, the clothing was superfluous anyway.  They were sharing something. They were living in a brilliant, focused moment that felt contained within itself. 

Their breathing became thicker, still matched, still as one.  “Brave one,” Astra whispered. 

“No,” Alex could barely whisper back.  She had surrendered herself to this.

“Braver than most of your kind,” Astra insisted, her fingers still moving softly, with slow purpose, learning every dip and curve.  They found the scar on Alex’s ribcage under the arm when she’d taken a projectile there. “Scars to prove it.”

Alex knew, dimly, that she was weeping.  That she was finding release, and relief, in the arms of someone she once called enemy but who now felt like home.  Her body was a finely tuned string and Astra’s fingers caressed it, drawing notes from her soul. She felt all of herself straining toward those light touches.  She may have been sighing each time she breathed out. She wasn’t sure. She only knew that Astra was in it with her, and that her nerves were a hot microphone, and every little breath into them felt more like a roar.

“I am taking you to bed,” Astra murmured into her ear.  And then Alex was lifted into her arms and carried to the bed, laid there gently.  

Astra’s fingers traced each of her inky-black tattoos: the characters of her dharma name, the ring of mountains and clouds above them encircling her upper arm, the samurai on the quadricep of her right thigh as she pulled her pants off again.  Alex’s body was filled to brimming with the pleasure of being touched this way, this way that no-one had ever touched her. She was explored. She was known. The wash of light fingers down her chest cascaded over her breasts and she sighed. She felt goosebumps raise on her arms.  Astra chuckled softly and traced a finger over them, wondering at them. She touched Alex the same way, and again, produced the same effect. 

Gently, she turned Alex onto her stomach and took the same care with her back.  She stroked the cherry blossom tattoo that crept along Alex’s shoulder blade, ran her fingers down the ridges of her spine, traced her hips, her shoulders, the small of her back.  It was so much more than sex, what was happening now. Alex was aroused, intensely in fact, but that was almost beside the point. 

So when Astra leaned down, and planted a firm kiss between Alex’s shoulder blades, Alex found herself shivering with a delight that went too deep to articulate.  She moaned. Astra kissed her again, and Alex found herself in the tremors of orgasm, her body flooded with light. Astra laid herself on top of Alex, stroked her hair, kissed her head, held her until she was done.  They lay this way for several long minutes.

“This was also making love?” Astra asked uncertainly.

“Yes.”  Alex realized that the pillow was soaked with tears. “But it was not fucking.”

“Hm.”  Astra was quiet, clearly trying to remember what Alex had told her about the distinction.  “Fucking is…” She hunted for a moment. “...sexier?”

“Yeah,” Alex sighed.  “This was sexual but it was more… sensual.”

Astra sighed.  “I need to find things to read about this,” she said, sounding tired.  “I only wanted to learn you, to look at all of you in the light of day.  The…” Again, she hunted for the word. “...the coming was an accident.”

Alex laughed silently.  “It was a happy accident.  I’m not complaining.”

“Good,” Astra sighed.  She shifted off of Alex and laid next to her.  “Do you want me?” she asked after a moment of quiet.

Alex nodded.  “Yeah.”

“Are you still afraid of that fact?”

Alex thought for a moment.  “A little,” she decided. “But I’m not going to let that stop me.”

“Good.”

They kissed softly for several minutes.  Alex pulled back and gazed at her. She couldn’t believe how beautiful Astra was.  She couldn’t believe how right this all felt when she simply surrendered herself to the moment.  “I’ll bet you’re really hungry.”

Astra’s eyes lit up.  “Famished. Will you make omelets and pork roll?”

“Sure.”

“Will you show me how?  I want to learn for myself how to make them so I can cook for you sometimes.  I love human food.”

“Okay.  It’s easy.”

“What is pork roll anyway?”

Alex chuckled.  “Better you don’t ask.  Come on, General. Let’s eat.”


	4. Chapter 4

Astra breathed in the smells of Alex’s cooking, and counted.  She counted the number of eggs. She counted how many times she beat the eggs once they were cracked into the bowl.  The number of times she shook each little container of seasoning into the eggs. She counted the number of seasonings and made note of what they were called:  garlic powder, onion powder, salt, pepper, paprika. The number of minutes Alex let the pan heat on the burner before pouring in the eggs. The number of scoops of coffee into the pot and how much water.  You could break most things down to math, that was the beautiful thing about the universe, usually. Even the strange, visceral wonders of human cooking, the bliss of its salt and spice that sometimes sent shivers down her spine.  It filled her with emotion sometimes, after so many years of Fort Rozz prison rations. Yet it still broke down to numbers: how much of this, how much of that, in what, and for how long.

What she felt for Alex was different, though.  She struggled a little, because unlike so many other things, she could not break it down to math.  Her bond with Non had been formed rationally. It had been chosen consciously. With Alex, it was different.  Her skin hungered after her. Her mouth thirsted for those smoldering kisses. And her spirit sought its equilibrium in proximity to Alex.  She needed to understand what was happening, what had been happening to her, from the moment she laid eyes on her soft, breakable, fearless human.

The slices of pork roll sizzled in the pan and the smell made Astra’s hunger unbearable.  She watched them bubble and brown, and then watched Alex flip them over a bit later.

It was lust, yes.  She had not experienced sharing her body that way before.  But it was also something greater. She had felt it when they breathed together.  They were both broken in similar ways. They both needed to heal, they needed someone to touch their wounds with the compassion that they could not bear to give themselves.  So as she waited for the food to be ready, she sat at the island in the kitchen, and did what she did when her math was no use to her. She prayed silently.

She had no way of knowing whether Rao could hear her prayers so far away, but the process alone comforted her.  

Alex set a plate gently on the countertop.  “Praying?” she inquired. She’d seen her do it before.

Astra looked up.  “Yes. I thought I might try Rao again, since the Aten does not answer me.”

Alex, ever the beautiful skeptic, nodded thoughtfully.  “Did Rao?”

Astra shrugged.  “I thought he did.”

Alex poured a cup of coffee.  “How did he answer?”

Astra smiled, remembering the confidence she’d once had in her god.  “By his movements in my life. By placing the rational choices before me.  By placing the answers in my path.”

Alex considered this as she poured her own coffee.  “Maybe you just had the wisdom enough to see them.”

Astra wondered at Alex’s skepticism.  She admired, in a strange way, the bravery it took to move through the world without the hand of a god on your shoulder.  The fat god, this Buddha, only left words for his children. And what one did with them was up to the individual. Buddha did not walk with his children or aid them in their time of need.  Still, they were good words. Astra liked them. Alex seemed to find some peace in them.

“What answers,” Alex inquired, sliding onto the stool across the island from her, “are you praying for?”

Astra smiled.  “I pray for more understanding.”

“Of this?”

“Yes.”  Astra could not help but touch the back of Alex’s hand across the countertop.  “I rarely find things in this world that cannot be understood with numbers. But this…?  You?” She wolfed down a forkful of omelet before continuing. “It is still a small mystery.”

Alex chuckled and ate in silence for a few minutes.  “So it confuses you too,” she finally commented.

“Of course.”  Astra drank some of Alex’s strong coffee and then continued.  “What are the mathematics of this? What is the balance that my spirit seeks that it finds with you?  I cannot find logic in it. Only feeling. I am… not accustomed to that.”

Alex’s eyes looked shiny as she thought about Astra’s words.  “Estrogen,” she said finally, and then ate a little more food.  “Progesterone. Testosterone. These are the chemicals your body produces that move it to sexual arousal and desire.”  She munched a little more breakfast, then washed it down. “And then, oxytocin. When you share sexual intimacy, another chemical is produced which bonds you to the person you share it with.”

“Only chemicals,” she mused.  She wasn’t sure what she thought about that.  “My body chose you.” She thought about this, remembering again the way she felt the first time she saw Alex.  

Alex nodded.  “And mine chose you.  What do you think about that?”

Astra cleared the remainders on her plate.  “I think it chose well. Although I wish my mind had been allowed into the process.”

Alex laughed a little, sympathetic but amused.  “Yes, well, that’s sort of how it goes sometimes.  So I’m told, anyhow. I… spent a lot of time ignoring body.  And then…” She gazed at Astra for a long moment. “And then I couldn’t.”

Astra shook her head and drained her coffee cup.  “Still a mystery,” she observed. “Why did our bodies decide this?”

Alex smiled and shrugged.  

“It is so very…”  Astra frowned. “...animal.”

Alex laughed.  “Yes, very much so.  That’s what we are, Astra.  We’re animals. Smart ones, coordinated ones, very skilled ones, but we’re still animals.”

Astra didn’t think she liked this idea.  “That is why my people sought to engineer it out.  Because we were meant to be more, higher. Rational beings.”

Alex took Astra’s hand and gripped it tightly.  She became suddenly intense. “We’re flesh and blood, Astra.  We’re supposed to feel this way. We are what we are. And you said it: our bodies chose right.  If I didn’t want you, I’d still want to be close with you. We’d still understand each other as warriors, as scientists, as people who live in the shadow of extraordinary sisters, and unreasonable expectations.  But the fact that we share this is… it means we can care for each other in ways beyond that. It means that I can fill you with the most incredible feeling you’ve ever felt. I can take away your sadness for a little while.  I can fulfill my dharma name.”

Alex’s roshi had given her the name Starflower because of the plant’s healing properties, its characteristic of easing sadness and depression.  Sometimes a dharma name was chosen that encapsulated a person’s soul, but in Alex’s case, it was an aspiration. Her goal was to become someone who healed others, who took away sadness.  It was what she was meant to strive for. Alex had explained this before. It struck Astra again how important that was.

“And it means… it means that you’ve been able to open my eyes to something I never wanted to see in myself.”  Her voice was thick with emotion now as she spoke, still clutching Astra’s hand. “Maybe, Astra, maybe our bodies are wiser than we are.  Maybe these stupid chemicals that we can’t control, maybe they’ve got something right.”

Astra was overcome suddenly.  This went against everything that she had thought about the nature of being, and her Kryptonian superiority and the inherent value of rationality.  And yet it couldn’t be argued. 

Alex could read the trouble in her face.  “It’s not the answer you wanted, is it. You wanted an explanation with numbers and things that made sense.”

Astra nodded.  “I did.”

Alex smiled, a little pained.  “I don’t think this works like that.  I don’t think we can science our way out of this one.  I think we just do the messy thing, and feel our way through, and… listen to our bodies.  And our hearts. And…” She got up and came around the island and seized Astra’s shoulders.  “...I think if your god was really looking out for you, that he would have put you in my path because I don’t know too many people who would have risked what I risked for you, who would have seen the honorable person you are and wanted to save you so badly.”  Alex’s eyes were glassy with emotion now. “Maybe you’re right, maybe your god gave you an answer, and you just have to see it for what it is. Maybe this is the perfection that you were meant to strive for.”

Astra kissed her hard, because she didn’t know what else to do.  “I thought you did not believe in gods, Alex,” she whispered.

“I don’t,” Alex whispered back.  “But I believe that you came to me from across the stars and that what’s happening between us is good.  And I believe that if there were gods that looked after people like us, that this is what they would give us. The would give us to each other.”

Astra kissed her, softly but full of passion.  “Will you pray with me?”

“For what?  Answers?”

“No.  That this never ends.”

Alex kissed her again and cursed quietly and tugged at her clothing.  “Yes. That, I’ll pray for. To whoever you want.”

They knelt down together on the floor where Alex’s mat still lay open.  Astra prayed and they held onto each other. She prayed to Rao, and to the Aten, and she and Alex leaned on each other and cast their hopes to whomever would listen.

They went to the couch after that, and curled up together, holding each other tightly.  Astra enjoyed when Alex squeezed very hard. The pressure felt good. Her mind began to calculate how much pressure, in grams and then kilograms, and then kryptonian weights.  “Why did you believe in me?” she whispered.

Alex nestled her cheek against Astra’s.  “I don’t know. I just… I just saw that your heart wasn’t in what you were about to do.  I just… felt it.”

Astra struggled to believe this.  “But I was your enemy. And you knew my plans.”

“Yeah.  But you could have killed me twice and didn’t.  And when we captured you the first time, you weren’t arrogant or prideful, you weren’t angry.  I threatened you and all you said was that you liked me.” Alex chuckled. “I didn’t know what to do with that.  You didn’t seem like someone bent on world domination to me.”

“I did like you,” Astra conceded.  “Here you were, this small, soft human, no powers, and you defeated my Hellgrammite and were threatening to come into my cell and beat me.  You had such confidence in your strength and your skill. I could not help but appreciate it. And that was before I knew how brilliant you were.”

Alex scoffed.  “Brilliant.”

“Yes,” Astra insisted firmly.  “Brilliant. You are like my niece was when she was a little one.  Brilliant.”

“But I saw your compassion as well,” Astra went on.  “You came and taught me to play chess, and played with me.  You brought me food. And then when they…” She trailed off.  She didn’t like to think about the needles full of Kryptonite.  “...you did not want them to inject me. And after they did, you brought me that wonderful concoction to help me regain my strength.  Your honor was evident all along.”

“Chicken soup,” Alex murmured.

Having Alex close to her was the happiest Astra had felt in a very long time.  “There is not math to it,” she said, shifting against Alex’s embrace, “but there is reason, of a kind.”

Alex lowered her head and kissed Astra’s chest.  “You might say that.” She nuzzled at Astra’s neck.  “You know,” she sighed, “there is a way that we can employ some scientific method to one part of this.”

“Hm?” 

“Experimentation.  Trial and error. Adjusting for results.”

“What is that?”  

“We could get better at making love.”

Astra felt herself light up at this.  “I would like that.”

Alex seemed to be trying to burrow into her. 

“I believe,” Astra pursued after a moment, “you mentioned something about instructional videos?”


	5. Chapter 5

Alex laughed.  “Yeah, that’s a thing but… I don’t know if we’re there yet.”

But once Astra had gotten her teeth into an idea, she would persist.  “Have you ever used them before?”

Alex sighed.  “Not the right kind.  And not really because I was interested.”

Astra didn’t understand.

Alex didn’t want to explain.  “Look, I think that we will want that.  But I think first things first. I think you just need to get to know your own body a little bit more.  I mean, that way you can better tell me what you like, and also you have some idea of what it feels like when you touch me.”

Astra nodded thoughtfully.  “So you mean I should…?”

“You should touch yourself, yeah.”  Alex felt her cheeks become warm. She enjoyed that thought quite a bit.

Astra bit her lip.  “Will you watch me?”

“If you want me to.” 

“I do.”  Astra seemed to take a moment to formulate her explanation for why.  “I enjoyed watching you. I would like to give you that same enjoyment.”  She paused in a way that suggested there was more, and her voice seemed ever so slightly embarrassed.  “Also, I would appreciate … suggestions.”

Alex smiled at that.  “Well, I’ll do my best, but honestly I think you’ll figure out pretty quick what works for you.”

A mild awkwardness fell between them.  “So…?” Astra began, glancing over at the bed.

Alex leaned in and kissed her.  Astra’s mouth responded instantly and enthusiastically.  Alex rearranged herself to slip down onto her knees on the floor in front of Astra, who for some reason had slipped back into those pajama pants and the top whose buttons she’d all popped the night before.  Alex loved how it hung a little way open, enough to remind her exactly what was there but not enough to show it all. She kissed only the skin that was exposed, the ridges of her collarbone and down between her breasts.  Astra sighed and tangled her fingers in Alex’s hair, tugging a little. 

Alex was surprised to find she liked the little twinge she got from that.  She brushed her fingers over a firm breast through the soft flannel. “I want to kiss this,” she mumbled between tasting the skin of Astra’s neck and shoulder.  

“How do you call it?” Astra whispered back.`

Alex palmed it through the shirt and felt Astra’s nipple stiffening, even through the flannel.  “This?”

“Yes.”

“Your breast.”  She kisses the space between them again..

“Is it the sex word?”

Alex paused.  “I don’t know.  Say it to me.”

“Kiss my breasts, please.”

Alex smiled a little wickedly.  “That sounds pretty good.” She moved to push the shirt aside.

But Astra frowned and stayed her hand.  “Only pretty good? Give me the other words.”

Alex laughed.  “Come on.”

“Words have meaning and power,” Astra insisted.  “Give me another word.”

Alex knew that Astra was remembering how she had responded to the word “pussy” and was looking for the same response.  She chuckled a little and suggested, “God, there really are a lot, but… I dunno, try tits.”

Astra’s lips pursed with mild amusement. “Kiss my tits please.”

Alex felt that little switch get flipped in her brain.  “Oh… I really like that.” She kissed between them again.  “Say it again,” she whispered.

Astra seemed satisfied that this was the word, and shrugged the top off her shoulders, exposing them.  “Kiss my tits, please.”

Alex felt herself go up in flames.  Maybe it was the sight of these beautiful breasts combined with the sound of Astra’s soft whispering, asking her to kiss them.  But Alex leaned into her, and let herself get lost in them. She had never allowed herself to entertain the idea that this might be what she wanted and now she wanted to spend a moment appreciating what a purely erotic thing it was to revel so completely in the taste and feel of them.  She nuzzled and caressed them, licked and kissed and stroked them, sucked at the nipples and let Astra’s sweet sounds of pleasure guide her. 

Astra’s arms folded around her, held Alex against her chest as she settled in for a few long moments of this.  

“Oh, Alex,” Astra sighed, stroking her hair.  “I am so glad my body chose you.”

Alex pulled back and smiled up at her, looking all flushed with lust, as Alex imagined she was also.  “Are you hot?”

Astra nodded.

“Good.  You should probably touch yourself now.  I’ll do my best to keep my hands off you while you do.”

Astra slipped out of her pants then, and responded, “Of course, you must.”

Alex raised an amused eyebrow.  “Must I?”

Astra nodded, and Alex thought she saw a little spark of mirth in her.  “If we are employing scientific method, then this must be the control for the experiment.  So you must not touch me.”

Alex pouted playfully for a moment.  “Fine, be like that.”

“But you may watch, and you may make helpful comments.”

“I am the most helpful,” Alex promised.  God, was this flirting? She sat back on her haunches and watched Astra make herself more comfortable, sinking lower into the couch and sprawling her legs out to either side.  Alex remained where she was, both curious and aroused. It occurred to her that this was a good angle for other things, but she wasn’t ready for those things yet. It was enough for her to simply look at a woman from this angle at all.  Her heart thumped as Astra slid exploratory fingers down into her sex and closed her eyes, making little sounds of interest, pleasure and surprise. She was slow and careful, not so anxious to find a rhythm, but simply discovering different places, different touches, and what they could do.  Alex had nothing to add, but she would not have stopped watching for all the world. Astra was drawing the map of her own pleasure and Alex was watching her find each curl of the shorelines, each line of latitude and longitude. She made note of anything that Astra seemed to particularly enjoy.

“You have been quiet,” Astra remarked after she had been at it for some time.

“You’re doing fine without my help,” Alex replied.  “And you’re so beautiful I don’t want to interrupt you.”

Astra smiled at this, and then seemed to settle into something that began to build its tension.  Her fingers were stroking delicate circles around her clitoris and she let a little moan escape. Alex felt almost faint.  

“That’s it,” she murmured.  “You know what feels good.”

“Mm,” Astra answered.

Alex licked her lips.  “God, I want to fuck you right now.”

Astra moaned a little louder at this.

“You’re so good,” Alex went on, watching Astra’s rubbing grow quicker and more focused.  “That’s it, you’re doing so beautifully. Come for me…”   


Astra began to tremble.

“Beautiful,” Alex said again, her voice getting ragged.  “Come for me, Astra. I want to see you come again.”

Astra was clearly on the edge of another orgasm.  Alex needed all her restraint to keep from touching her and helping her finish.  

“I wish I was inside you,” she said, breathless. “I wish I was fucking you right now.  I want you to come for me. Please…”

Astra’s cries of pleasure were getting louder.  “Do you want me?” she panted.

“Yes!” Alex promised.  “God, yes, I want you, all of you, body, mind, spirit, all of you… I want to take all of you and make you come over and over… just come for me…”

Astra gasped.  Her breathing stopped.  Her whole body froze, except her fingers, still rubbing in deep circles.  Alex almost felt the orgasm along with her. Astra let out a long, keening cry, and then shuddered.  “Alex…”

Alex clambered up onto the couch and wrapped herself around Astra and kissed her; mouth, cheeks, jaw, earlobes, mouth again.  “Good job, good job,” she mumbled between kisses, “I’m so proud of you, it’s so much that you did that for yourself.”

Astra laughed silently.  

“I mean it,” Alex whispered.  She gave her a serious look. “This was very important.”

Astra gave her a tired smile.  “I am anxious to apply what I have learned.”

Alex kissed her again.  “You look like you need a minute, though.”  She took the hand that Astra had been using to touch herself, kissed the back of it, and then took two fingers into her mouth and sucked them.  The taste wasn’t unpleasant. It was strong, and unique. It didn’t taste like anything else. Astra gave her a quizzical look. Alex smiled sheepishly and shrugged.  “I was curious.”

They melted into an embrace for a while, in which they were quiet.

“Did you mean what you said?”  Astra asked after a long while.

“Hm?”

“About wanting all of me.”

Alex squeezed her tighter.  “Of course. You’re amazing and extraordinary and beautiful.”

“You do not care about the terrible things I have done?”

“Do you care about the terrible things I’ve done?”

“No.”

“Well, there’s your answer.”

They fell quiet again for a few long minutes in which Alex felt incredible peace.  Then Astra spoke again. “What did you mean, they were the wrong kind?”

“What?”

“The wrong kind of instructional videos.  You said you watched instructional videos but they were the wrong kind.”

“Oh.  That.”

“Yes, that.”

Alex sighed.  “They were of men and women together.  They weren’t anything that would be helpful to us, I don’t think.”

Astra thought about this.  “Did you have many men before?”

Alex sighed more heavily this time.  “More than I wish had. And some of them were very fond of their… instructional videos.”  A hot, angry grief ambushed Alex very suddenly. She remembered so many moments, so much sex that she didn’t want, just being drunk to get through it.  

“I have upset you.  I am sorry, Alex. I did not know these were painful questions.”

Alex kissed the side of her neck.  “It’s okay. You couldn’t know.”

“So your body did not choose those men.”

“No.”

“Your mind did.”

“Yeah.  I thought I was supposed to want them.”  Alex’s chest suddenly felt heavy, and she clung to Astra.  “I didn’t want them,” she said again, trying to reassure herself that what she had done was okay.  But she was suddenly unraveling. “I let them inside me, because that’s what you’re supposed to do, but I hated it.  I always had to be drunk to stand it.”

Astra’s arms tightened their grasp of her.  “It seems we are better off this way.”

Alex nodded, sniffling a little and letting herself melt into Astra’s body.  “Yeah.”

“Is that why you have not asked me to be inside you?”

Alex hesitated, trying to piece together an answer as tears leaked from the corners of her eyes.  “I thought maybe I didn’t like having anything inside me,” she said slowly. “Like I said, you know, it’s not for everyone.  Some people just don’t enjoy it.”

There was a long pause.  “But?” Astra prompted.

“But I’m starting to wonder about a lot of things that I thought I didn’t like and wonder whether maybe it was never about the things, but about who I was with.”

“Like the way you respond to certain words,” Astra observed.  “Surely some men said some of those words to you, but you did not like them then.”

Alex nodded, and tried to keep out of her mind the voice of some guy she’d picked up in a club grunting in her ear about how hard he was going to fuck that pussy.  “That’s right.”

“Then it seems,” Astra decided after another long silence, “that we must see what we might redeem from amongst the things you thought you had discarded.”

“I’ve got a bit of a list,” Alex sighed.

“We have time.”

Alex nestled against Astra.  “I want us to shower together.”

Astra seemed surprised.  “Really?”

“Yeah.  People always seem to think it’s so much fun and I never liked it but… but I think that might have been about who I was with.”

Astra gave a little amused chuckle.  “Very well. We may shower together if you wish.”  Alex knew Astra’s mind enough to know that showers were a purely utilitarian thing and that it had never remotely occurred to her that there could be anything fun or sexy or intimate about them.  In all likelihood, Fort Rozz showers were none of those things.

“And then,” Alex sighed, squeezing Astra tighter again, “after we do that, I want you to carry me off to bed and show me everything you’ve learned.”

They kissed deeply.  Astra peered at her with gentle concern, but she said nothing apart from, “I will give you everything that you ask and more.”  She stood up, supporting Alex’s weight with her hands under the backs of Alex’s thighs. Alex wrapped her legs around Astra’s waist like a monkey and hung on.  “I think I will carry you to the shower as well.”

“You don’t need to.”

“I notice you are not letting go.”

“Good observation.”

“I do not think you like the water as hot as I do.”

“Nobody likes the water as hot as you do.  I could cook lobster in your showers.”

“Why would you do that?”

“I wouldn’t.  But I could, is the point.”

“Strange human.”

“Yep.”


	6. Chapter 6

Astra was mildly bemused by the shower.  Alex didn’t seem to quite know what to do with herself either.  They kissed under the warm running water for a few minutes and then Astra asked softly, “Alex.  What are we supposed to be doing in here? Is it for sex?”

Alex laughed a little, embarrassed.  “Maybe. I think it’s just meant to be fun…”

She grabbed the bottle of soap and pumped a little into her palm and then began lathering her hands up.  Astra watched her, dubious. “Alright,” she said skeptically.

And then Alex laid her soapy hands on Astra’s chest and started rubbing the lather all over her.  Her hands were slippery and the suds were fluffy and silky and warm. It was pleasant. It almost tickled, but not quite.  Alex rubbed the soap all over Astra’s shoulders, breasts and stomach. She paused, grinning a foolish grin and seeming delighted with herself.  She passed the bottle to Astra. “Now do me.”

Astra found that soaping Alex up was more entertaining than she expected.  It was a different way to experience her body. It was a little arousing but it was also just a sensory curiosity.  She had not felt something quite like it before. Alex pulled her into a tight embrace and squirmed against her. Astra found herself laughing at the peculiar way their wet, soapy bodies slipped against each other and how easily their sudsy hands slid over each other’s backs and thighs.  It was strangely childlike - a gentle spirit of play fell between them while they explored this new set of sensations.

“Is this all?” Astra inquired after a little while.

Alex kissed her and shrugged.  “I dunno. We could make love in here.”

“Do you want to?”

“Nah.”

  
  


****

  
  


True to her word, after they dried themselves, Astra carried Alex to bed and showed her what she had learned.  Alex came easily under her touch and they held each other for a long time after that, napping intermittently and then waking to kiss softly for a while and then drifting back to sleep.  

Astra found time to fully take in what was happening.  After long years of prison life, and before that, of combat… she could hardly remember the last time she had felt safe, had been touched softly.  The decades before this were an iron-grey blur. They felt as far away as Krypton itself as she lay curled against the body of this brave human with the wounded soul.  She could not imagine sharing this with anyone she had known before. Non was full of convictions, full of skill, but he had not had Alex’s fiery heart. He had never been tender with her.  He rarely touched her at all. It had not occurred to Astra how much a flesh and blood body needed touch until now. 

She looked at Alex’s sleeping face and was filled with the urge to protect her.  From everything. From the world. From any and all dangers she might face. From the pain of her own past and the fear of her own future.  She wanted to curl herself around this precious human and keep her safe and warm and… she scrounged, frustrated. Human languages were so inadequate to describe this feeling, she thought.  But then, she realized, even Kryptonese, with its many subtleties and shaded language, failed to offer her the word she wanted either. 

Alex woke and looked at her.  “Hey,” she yawned. “You staring at me while I sleep?”

Astra nodded.

“Stalker,” Alex teased.

Astra made a note to look that word up later.  She understood the tone of Alex’s voice but not the meaning of the word or why it was funny.  “I was thinking about something.”

“What’s that?”

“I was thinking that my own language has no words for this feeling.  Or, it has many, but they are all… it feels like saying too much. Like trying to use many words to say something very simple.”

Alex looked thoughtful.  “Does it need to have a word?” she asked at length.

“I suppose not.”

Alex kissed her then, and stroked her hair.  “I know at some point very soon, we need to deal with the world outside these walls.  And then we’ll need words for what’s happening. But right now I just want to figure out what it is that’s happening.”

Astra kissed her forehead, and then her hairline, and then traced fingertips over her flat stomach.  Such strength in that willowy body, it was deceptive. “Whatever is happening, know that you are safe,” she said after a long quiet.

Alex seemed taken by surprise.  “What?”

“You are safe,” Astra repeated.  “With me. I will not let anything hurt you while I draw breath.  And I will not hurt you. Not your body, and not your…” She trailed off.  “...not your heart.” Alex kissed her again. Why, Astra wondered, did she seem so sad?  But they kissed, deep and long and slow and hot and Astra murmured against her lips, “I know you are not mine to protect but nevertheless, you are safe.”

Alex tangled her bare legs in Astra’s and kissed her harder.  

“Do you trust me?”

“Yes.”

The heat of their kisses increased and they tried to push themselves tighter together.  Astra whispered in Alex’s ear, “You are so brave, and so strong, and you have hurt so much, and I want to keep you safe.  You do not have to be brave or strong for me if you do not want to.”

Alex’s kisses were almost desperate now, and she made little moaning sounds.  “Astra…”

“Yes.”

“I want you…”

“Yes.”   


“...I want you… I want to feel you… inside me.”   


Astra stopped and looked at her carefully.  “Are you certain?”

Alex nodded.  “I just want to feel you there.  I want to know. If it’s really just me or if…”  She bit her lip and looked at Astra with such pleading.

Astra kissed her mouth, and then her chin.  She took a finger and stroked it down Alex’s cheek, then brushed it over her soft lips.  Alex caught it between her teeth and nibbled on it for a moment. They smiled at each other gently, hesitantly.  Astra held her finger up. “This belongs to you. It is not mine anymore. It exists only for your pleasure and you may do what you wish.  It is yours to have or not have. If it is not pleasing you, I will take it away.”

Alex nodded her understanding.  

Astra brought her hand down to where Alex’s legs lay open.  She spent a few moments stroking her and saying soft things to her and then asked, “Do you want this inside you?”

“Yes,” Alex whispered back.

“In your pussy,” Astra pressed.

“Yes.”

“As you wish.”

She slipped her finger in, then, and Alex gave her a soft gasp and Astra felt her insides grip at the finger.  Astra felt the pulse of Alex’s blood in her veins and the changes that happened inside her as her body responded to the presence of Astra’s touch.  She felt how Alex’s body clenched and grew slicker, felt the muscles fluttering inside her. They both had to pause and catch their breath. 

“Are you alright?”

They exchanged a look that was weighted with meaning.  Alex looked more vulnerable than Astra had seen her. “Yes,” she sighed.  Her eyes glistened.

“You are safe,” Astra repeated.  “And I will do nothing that you do not ask of me.”

“Kiss me,” Alex said quickly.  “Please.”

Their mouths brushed against each other.  

“Kiss my neck, please.”   


Astra did as she asked.  The requests came faster after that.   _ Kiss my shoulders.  Suck on my tits. Kiss me here.  No, here. Beautiful. Perfect.  _ Through this, Astra held still inside her, feeling her sex respond to all the ways she was kissing. 

_ You’re safe, _ Astra kept saying,  _ you’re beautiful and you’re safe.   _

Alex rocked her hips a little against Astra’s finger and sighed.  

“I trust you,” she whispered.

“You’re safe,” Astra answered.

Alex stretched her hips, rolled them slowly from side to side, feeling Astra’s finger inside her and noting the places it touched when she moved this way and that way.  She gave a soft whimper. “You fit,” she almost wept. She curled her hips again to take her finger deeper, and then released, and sighed. “You fit me.”

Astra kissed her.  She held still and let Alex move herself slowly, cautiously.  She was growing wetter. “It is yours,” she murmured against her cheek.  “Take what you wish from it. I am here only for you.”

The slowness of it was hypnotic.  Alex’s hips rolled in and then out, slow and gentle like the tides of this blue world’s softest seas.  Her moans were soft and sweet and Astra kissed her cheek and rejoiced quietly in her heart. “Oh, oh god, you fit me,” she was sighing again.

“Good,” Astra sighed back.  

Alex was smoldering in Astra’s embrace, slowly bringing herself to that blinding moment of pleasure with the steady, firm touch of Astra’s finger.  Her breath was thick and fast, now. “Please…” she panted. “...please, can you… can you fuck me a little? Just a little?”

Astra paused, uncertain.  She hadn’t quite mastered the language of this.

“Just… in and out…”  Alex supplied. “...but just a little.”

Astra nodded, kissed her again, and pushed a little further in, and then pulled out a little.  

“Breathe with me,” Alex sighed.  And she drew a deep breath, and then released. 

Astra joined her in the next, and then the next.  Their breathing found synchronization and Astra’s fingers found the rhythm, deep and slow, that Alex sought.  The air flowed in, and then out. The pleasure flowed in, and Astra could feel Alex breathing from the inside.  They held each other’s gaze, and Alex’s eyes were open wide, dark and filled with lust and feelings that defied language.  

“Is this what you want?”

“You.  I want you.  You’re what I want.”

“I am yours,” Astra declared recklessly.  “Not just my hands. Not just my mouth. All of me is for you.”

“Yes,” Alex cried.

She came the same way that they had fucked; deep, slow, tender, burying the moaning with soft kisses.  Astra considered herself blessed to be trusted in a place that had only meant sadness for Alex before now.  “You’re safe,” she whispered again as Alex trembled, her pussy tightening around Astra’s finger, “you’re safe.  I am yours.”

Alex was crying, but not grieving.  She kissed Astra, deeply, wantonly, and murmured, “Thank you.”

“Was the experiment successful?”

“Yeah,” Alex sighed.

Astra kissed her, and then settled in to gather Alex in her arms and hold her very tightly.  “So,” she began in a more businesslike tone, “that experiment has offered suggestions that perhaps your body was not the problem, but perhaps previous partners.”

“Further study is needed,” Alex commented, nestling against Astra.

“Indeed.  And… what of the shower?  Was that a success?”

Alex laughed and sniffled at the same time.  “I don’t know… it was fun? It was kind of sexy?  I just feel like actual sex in a shower is kinda asking for a busted head or something.  But I liked hugging you and rubbing soap all over you.”

Astra nodded.  “Further study?”

Alex yawned.  “Possibly. Let’s put a pin in it for later.”

Astra didn’t quite understand but she got the idea, she supposed.  

“You know,” Alex went on, “my DEO severance money came through.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I’m rich, and you’re free.  Or, you know. As free as you’re gonna be, for a while.  And that we should go somewhere for dinner to celebrate.”

Astra hesitated.  She was not used to walking among humans.  She was not used to communicating with them apart from Alex and that Atenist Lucy Lane from the DEO.  She was not sure that she wanted to try something that she had specifically avoided for so very long.

“Come on, I know I’m starving,” Alex pressed, “which means you must be ready to eat an entire cow.”

“Will it be cooked first?”

Alex snorted.  “Yes.”

“Very well.  Where does one go to eat a cow?”

“Well, I guess we’ll have to hit the Moroccan Quarter and get kabobs.”

“Kabobs?”

“We have a lot of educating to do, General.”

“I am a quick study.  I will go and learn about your cow kabobs.”

Alex snorted again.  “Okay, great. But let me do the talking.”


	7. Chapter 7

Alex walked down the crowded streets of the Moroccan Quarter, Astra in tow, trying to decide where to take her.  Twice, they’d paused in front of one of the stand-up shops, where giant hunks of meat turned on spits in the front windows.  “What is that?” Astra whispered.

“Shwarma,” Alex replied.

“It smells glorious.”

Alex nodded.  

“There are a lot of people,” Astra commented.  

Alex frowned.  “Is it too crowded for you?  If you’re not comfortable, we can–”

Astra gave her a brave little smile.  “I am fine. I will let you know when I am not fine.”  They trudged on, side by side, hands thrust into their pockets.

But Alex was worried now.  Astra had mastered her senses and her powers, for the most part, but what if this was all too much for her?  What if she wound up gawking at birds on the sidewalks, the way Kara did in her first weeks walking around on Earth?  Alex opted instead for one of the low-key, dimly lit places with the low tables and the couches that you reclined in. Some of them even brought out hookahs and you could smoke flavored tobacco, though that seemed a little much for tonight.  She chose Mamoun’s.

The lighting was dim, the volume of the surrounding conversations was quiet, and Moroccan music swirled in the background.  They reclined into a comfortable couch by an ornately designed metal-topped table, and gazed up at the red fabric that was draped in long folds along the ceiling.  The waiter brought some water and Alex ordered a bottle of sparkling water. They sat in silence for a few minutes, gazing up at the ceiling. 

“What is this music?”  Astra asked.

“I don’t know, it’s from Morocco, I guess.”

“Where is Morocco?”

“It’s kind of on the other side of the world.”

“Is it near where Kara is now?”

Alex smiled.  “Well, kind of, yeah.  Not too far. She’s in Greece.”

Astra nodded.  “Yes, you said she is studying there?”

“Yeah, supposedly,” Alex chuckled.  “She’s made a friend there that she seems to talk about a lot.”

“A friend?”

“Yeah.  The kind of friend that she’s probably having sex with.”

Astra didn’t seem to know what to do with that information.  “So she has the gene as well,” she said finally.

Alex nodded.  “Seems that way.  You know, you should talk to her about all this at some point, I think.  She probably knows a lot more about the way a Kryptonian body handles… what we’ve been doing… than I do.”

“You mean having sex?” Astra asked, a little too loudly.

“Sssh,” Alex hissed, blushing and laughing.

Astra frowned.  “We cannot discuss it here?”

Alex sighed.  She didn’t know what the hell the rules were.  What was she even doing with Kara’s aunt? Was this a date?  She had more questions than answers about this entire thing. 

“You are ashamed of me.”

Alex grabbed Astra’s hand.  “Jesus, no! It’s not that. It’s just… it’s… it’s not… I’m not someone who likes to talk about it out in public, okay?  That’s all. It’s not about you.”

Astra withdrew her hand and slumped further into the seat.  

The waiter arrived with the bottle of sparkling water, opened it, and filled their glasses.  He looked between them. “Do you ladies know what you want?”

Astra took a breath and Alex had a vision of her saying something crazy like, _ I want to have sex with my niece’s sister right now but it appears this is an inappropriate location.   _ She jumped in with, “Two shish kebab platters, please, and an order of zaalouk with some extra bread.”  He nodded and walked away.

Astra was quiet, and Alex wasn’t sure whether she was merely absorbing or was still convinced that Alex was embarrassed by her somehow.  Finally, she spoke. “In any case, the last time I saw Kara she had only just begun to grow breasts. I am not going to her for advice about…”  She paused and then reached for the language Alex had used. “...what we have been doing.”

Alex shrugged.  “Well, suit yourself.  I just feel like she’d be helpful, that’s all.  More help than me.”

“You have been very helpful,” Astra chided her.  There was a faint smile on her lips as she said it. 

Alex chuckled inwardly.  There was so much behind that statement and Astra knew exactly what it would call to mind.  “That was some A-plus flirting there, General,” Alex said quietly.

Astra wasn’t entirely successful in remaining stoic.  “Is that acceptable here?”

“Oh, absolutely.”

Astra seemed to relax after that.  She stopped the waiter twice to ask what the music was, and then once to ask what another couple two tables over was eating.  

“Kofte Kabab,” he said. 

“Can we get one, Alex?”

Alex laughed.  “Let’s see how we do with round one first.”  She knew it was hopeless. Astra ate the way Kara did.  They would at least be ordering the kofte and probably a few other plates as well.  She enjoyed the way Astra closed her eyes and took in the smells wafting from the kitchen.  It seemed like pure bliss to her. Alex was filled with a desire to show her everything that was wonderful about life with human beings; not just the sex, but the music, the food, the fashion, the art, the history.  Astra hated her past. It filled her with grief. Alex wanted to give her a future that was full of beautiful things, the wonderful things about being alive on this Earth.

Alex started telling her about all the different kinds of foods that she wanted her to try: sushi, potstickers, croissants, lasagna, fried chicken, funnel cakes, cheeseburgers… Astra was curious and asked questions about what they were, where they came from, what they were made of, how they were prepared.  By the time the food had arrived, she had almost forgotten that she was worrying about whether this was a date or not. 

“I want to take you swimming,” she said as she tore into her shish kabob.

Astra ignored her statement, looking at her plate in vague disappointment.  “This does not look like an entire cow.”

“I thought we’d try some variety.”

“Very well.”

Astra dug in, and the first bite she took, she closed her eyes and chewed slowly.  “Wonderful,” she sighed when she finished it. “They are very good at this.”

Alex smiled.  “Yes, well, that’s why they’ve been in business in this same spot for fifteen years.  They have one job, and it’s being good at…” She held up a fork with another chunk of meat on it.  “... this.”

Astra finished the rest of what was on her plate quickly, though not as quickly as Kara would normally do.  She was hungry, but she wanted to savor.

“Still hungry?” Alex asked cheerfully as Astra polished off the last of the seasoned rice.

Astra nodded.  

“Still want the kofte?”

“No.  I would like to try some of the other things you mentioned.”

Alex chuckled.  “OK. What tickles your fancy?”

“What?”

“Sorry.  What appeals to you?”

Astra considered for a moment.  “I would like to try something fried.”

Alex thought for a moment.  “We can do that.” She flagged down the waiter and paid the check.  Alex took the bottle of sparkling water with her and they strolled out into the mild evening.  Astra seemed a little more relaxed. Alex took a few swigs from the bottle and passed it to Astra.  Astra drank and commented, “Water is not supposed to bubble this way.”

Alex shrugged.  “There’s CO2 in it.  It’s fun.”

Astra quirked an eyebrow.  “Fun.”

Alex shook her head.  “You haven’t played in a long time, have you.”

Astra stopped walking for a moment and regarded her.  “I suspect you have not, either.”

Alex couldn’t argue.  They walked on. The Moroccan Quarter butted right up against Little Shanghai, so Alex led her along the lantern-strung streets in search of the potsticker trucks that sold her favorite kinds.  

“Alex,” Astra asked, swigging some sparkling water and passing it back, “what are we to each other?”

Alex sipped before answering.  “I don’t know. Do we need to decide that right now?”

Astra shrugged.  “I only wondered because now we are out in the world, dealing with people, and we have no answer.  You mentioned that I should talk to Kara but what do we tell her about… about this?”

Alex nodded, understanding.  Astra was right. Going to Kara to talk about sex was necessarily going to beg the question of who Astra was having sex with.  Alex had no idea how Kara would handle any of this, when she didn’t even know that her long-lost beloved aunt was even alive, much less here on Earth with her sister.  And then there was whole issue of coming out herself. Alex didn’t think Kara would care, really, and was pretty sure that Kara herself was bisexual if not full-blown gay, but it was still one more log on the pile.

“Something fried,” she said, and pointed to an inviting-looking food truck in the middle of the block.  They went up and Alex ordered a dozen pork and scallion potstickers. She managed to get two down. She marveled as Astra polished off the other ten.     


“Wonderful,” Astra sighed.

They walked some more.  “I guess I better get you dessert,” Alex mused.

“The sweet thing after the meal?”

“Yes.”

“There is only one sweet thing I would like after this meal.”

Alex laughed.  She was doing it again!  She was flirting! She shook her head.  “I meant food.”

“So did I,” Astra sniffed, only because she had spent so much time with her these last bunch of weeks did she recognize that her indignance was entirely feigned.

“The way I see it,” Alex said slowly, thinking as they walked, “we should probably tell her that you’re here, and that you’re staying with me.  We’ll save the rest for when we see her, I think.”

Astra nodded.  “Those fried things were very salty.  Please pass me the strange water.”

“ _ Fun _ water,” Alex corrected.

“Yes, fun,” Astra responded dryly.  She drank and passed it back.

Astra’s humor was dry as hell, but now that Alex was used to it, she was coming to enjoy it.  

“But what is  _ everything _ ?” Astra persisted.  

“Well, we’re…”  Alex dropped her voice.  “... we’re having sex.”

Astra frowned again.  “Even here, you must be quiet about it?”

Alex sighed.  “I’m sorry, I’m self-conscious, okay?  Anyway, I mean… we’ve become… close… and we’ve… we’re… intimately involved…?”  She trailed off.

Astra thrust her hands back into her pockets.  “I think you would not be struggling so much with this question if I were a man.  Your people are needlessly obsessed with such a distinction.”

Alex’s first instinct was to get defensive, but she realized Astra wasn’t wrong.  What would she say about this if Astra had been a man? The crowds milled around them as they meandered toward the French District and Alex mulled Astra’s words over.  She stopped walking and turned to her, grabbing her shoulders. “Look, what’s the answer you want?”

Astra shook her head.  “I have nothing for this.  No reference. No prior experience, however irrelevant.  I only know what I feel. You are a strange, beautiful, burning thing that has come to me from out of nowhere and turned my body and mind inside out and I suddenly cannot stand the thought of being away from you, even for a moment.  Every cell in my body, every breath in my lungs, desires you. Not just your sex, but your presence, the feel of you in my intellectual and physical space. What do you call that?” 

Alex trembled.  “I… I don’t know, but I feel it too.”  Her eyes welled up. “So many men,” she said in a choked whisper, “and not one of them made me feel this.”

“Is it a good feeling?” Astra whispered.  Her eyes were digging into the back of Alex’s head now, and they pleaded with her to say yes, yes it was good.

“It’s… it’s frightening, but it’s incredible and yes…”  Alex bit her lip. “Yes, it’s good.”

“Then why be ashamed of it?”

The moment seemed to slow down.  The murmur of the crowd in the street became distant, like ocean waves.  Yes, there would be hard conversations to have with a few people, but right here?  Right now? They weren’t anyone. They were two women who had fallen into something so quickly and so intensely it was scary, but it felt right.  Astra’s face was open and unabashed in its longing, and Alex simply muttered under her breath, “Fuck it.” And then leaned in, slipped her arms around Astra’s waist, rocked up on her toes a little, and kissed her passionately, right there in the middle of the fairy-lit, cobblestone street.  

“I’m not,” she whispered when they stopped.

Astra gave her a small smile.  “I do not believe you. But you are trying not to be, and that is a good thing.”

“I’m not,” Alex protested.  She turned around, and hollered out to the people streaming past on either side of them, “HEY EVERYONE JUST SO YOU KNOW I’M HAVING SEX WITH THIS AMAZINGLY GORGEOUS WOMAN AND IT’S REALLY GREAT JUST THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW, THANKS!!”

Astra shook her head.  Alex laughed, flushing.  A few people turned and glanced at them and a couple of them nudged each other and chuckled.

“Oh dear God,” she panted through her waves of laughter, “what did I just do?”

Astra shook her head.  “An unnecessary and probably foolish thing,” she answered, smiling.  She kissed Alex again. “But I did enjoy it.” 

“Good.  Now, I believe we were about to do dessert?”

Astra nodded.  “Yes. The sweet thing after the meal.”

Alex pointed at a truck that sold cannolis.  “I think you’ll really like what’s in that truck.”

“But I do not want–”

“Listen,”  Alex interrupted, suddenly feeling very authoritative, “I know what kind of dessert you want and I want that kind of dessert too, but in the meantime, you gotta know that what’s in that truck is very important to your education on how to live properly on Earth.  You are not allowed to fight me on this.”

Astra’s first bite of cannoli was accompanied by a great deal of soft moaning.  Alex grinned with satisfaction.

“I told you.”

“You did,” Astra admitted, eyes closed in pleasure.

“It’s great, right?”

“It is.  But it is not better than sex.”

“Well…”  Alex hedged.

“Close,” Astra amended.  “But not better.”

“Maybe we just haven’t found you the right kind of cannoli.  Next time, we’ll do chocolate.”


	8. Chapter 8

They walked home, Alex tentatively lacing her fingers through Astra’s and loosely holding her hand as they walked.  It was a little difficult for them both to keep an easy, strolling pace, but Alex was determined to do it, it seemed.

Astra listened to traffic and snatches of conversation, and Alex’s heartbeat, which was a separate, strong song that cut through everything.  The sound of it had always been distinct to Astra’s ears, and now it had become the constant background sound of her life on Earth. Alex, and the thumping of that muscle in her chest.  

“Can we call Kara when we get home?” she asked.  

Alex quickly did the math.  “Well, it’s a little early in the morning over there, but… yeah I think so.”

Astra nodded.  She had been moved by the effort of Alex’s public display but it made something in her feel a sudden urgency to speak with her niece.  She suspected she desperately needed to place Alex in context and start to build a world around herself. More than that, though, she felt suddenly, acutely aware of a desire to shift some of the burden for her day to day needs onto someone who was blood, who was kin.  

They called when they arrived back at Alex’s place.  

Alex waited while the phone rang.  Finally, she snapped to attention. “Hey!  Kara…. Yeah, I know what time it is there, and I’m sorry to call this early.  Are you alone? OK, you’re totally lying, but whatever. Listen, I… I’m really sorry I haven’t called you about this before now, but… I couldn’t because it was a security issue.  I… I have someone here who really, really wants to talk to you.” Another long pause. Alex took a deep breath. “Your aunt Astra is alive.” Another long pause. “I know. I know.  I … we ….” Alex huffed in frustration. “Look, there’s a lot I can’t tell you because of security clearance, okay, but … we… we had her in custody for a while and then I figured out who she was and… Yeah, she’s safe now.  She’s…” Alex glanced up at Astra and Astra could see the conflict in Alex’s eyes. “...she’s staying with me... Well, because. I figured you’d want that.”

Astra bit her lip and tried to smile at Alex.  She remembered being in the DEO holding cell and Alex demanding to know her name, and then the look of shock that spread across Alex’s face when she realized who Astra was.  

“Yeah.  Yeah, she’s here.  Yeah, look don’t do that.  Don’t fly here, Eliza would roll over in her grave.  But… Do you want to talk to her?” Alex walked over and handed Astra the phone.  

Astra accepted it as though it were radioactive, and put it to her ear.  “Little one?” she whispered, half expecting it all to be a joke.

And a voice, a woman’s voice, not a little girl’s voice, came softly and wonderingly through the phone:  “Astra?”

“Yes!  Yes, I am here!”

“How?  How are you here?  I thought I’d lost you!”

Astra’s eyes welled up.  “How much did your mother tell you about why I was sent away?”

“Almost nothing!”

So Astra took a breath and tried to explain.  “I was trying to save Krypton from destruction.  I committed crimes to get the government’s attention and make them pay attention to the problem.  Your mother was forced to judge me. She sent me away to Fort Rozz. In doing so, she saved my life.”

She heard a choked-back sob on the other end of the line.  “I don’t know if I want to know what you did. I don’t know if I care,” Kara said in a trembling voice.  “I’m just so glad you’re alive. A day never goes by that I don’t miss you. I told Alex all about you when we were kids.”

Astra smiled at that. Alex had been briefed, she thought with amusement.  Kara had been the child that Astra would never have. Astra had been the aunt who kept her secrets and taught her the things her mother didn’t want to tell her.  They had had a bond, unique among the bonds Astra held with others. It was not like the bond with her sister, nor of the one with her husband. 

“When do you finish your studies?”

“I have about another month,” Kara sighed.  

Astra found her lip trembling.  Her Kara, a woman, studying and learning on the other side of the world.  “That is not so very long.”

She could hear Kara choking up too.  “It’s not, but it kind of is…” She sniffed a little.  “Is Alex treating you okay?”

Astra hesitated.  “Yes… she has been very kind.  She is teaching me many things.  I tried fried potstickers tonight.”

Kara hummed a little approval.  “My favorite. From the truck in Little Shanghai, right?”

“Yes, I believe so.”

“That’s her favorite.  There are alien food trucks too, Alex tells me, and supposedly a pretty thriving alien population in Nat City, I bet you’ll fit right in…”  She caught her breath. “I’m really happy you’re here. I wish you could fly over and see me.”   


Astra sighed.  “I cannot. I have a no-fly clause in my... arrangement with the DEO.  I wear a locator chip now.”   
  


Kara sounded troubled at this but didn’t pursue the matter.  She was probably accustomed to a certain degree of caginess surrounding Alex and the DEO, Astra supposed.  They talked a while longer and Kara explained that she was studying the greats of ancient human literature in the original languages.  Astra mostly listened and asked questions. Kara talked about a friend who had been talking her cliff diving and Astra blurted out, “Is this the sort of friend that you have sex with?”

Kara coughed on the other end of the phone.  Alex spit out whatever she was drinking. 

“Um…” Kara began uncertainly. 

“It is alright if you are,” Astra assured her.  “I was only curious.”

“Er, well… you know… not yet, but maybe.”

Alex waved frantically at Astra and was making all sorts of strange, slashing gestures.  “Little one, your sister is trying to-“

Alex snatched the phone away.  “Hey Kara, so we’re still working on social norms and stuff like that with her, so, you know, hopefully by the time you get back she won’t be asking stuff like that.”

“I can ask what I like,” Astra grumbled.

Alex wrapped up the call and hung up.  She put her hands on her hips and looked at Astra, half annoyed and half amused.  “What’d you do that for?” she demanded.

“Did you not say that I should?”

“Yeah!  Eventually!  Not yet!!”

“You are not my keeper!” Astra snapped, and she marched over to the couch and sat down on it.  She wasn’t sure why she was suddenly so angry and resentful. She sat brooding in silence, trying to sort herself out.

Alex hung back near the kitchen island for a few minutes.  An uncomfortable silence fell in the place. Astra felt the breezes through the window she had accidentally blasted a hole in the first time they’d had sex.  She was vaguely aware of Alex fiddling with her phone for a minute and then laying it on the countertop. A moment later, Moroccan music was swirling quietly through the air.  

Alex came over and sat on the back of the couch, near her, but not touching.  Several moments passed in which the music seemed to deep into Astra’s bones and wind around her ribs.  Finally, Alex spoke. “You’re angry. Why?”

Astra struggled.  “I am a burden,” she said after a moment.  “I broke a bond of honor for these physical pleasures and now I am a burden to you.”

Alex sighed.  “You separated yourself from a man who would have made you a conqueror and a murderer.  You made a rational, moral choice.”

Astra shook her head.  How could she explain? How could she explain that she broke her bond as much for righteousness as because she was inexplicably drawn to Alex Danvers, the strong, beautiful warrior who had no fear?  “And in so doing, I cast myself upon you.”

“Astra.”  Alex’s voice was firm but gentle.  “I practically begged you to switch sides.  I knew that if you did, you would be my responsibility.  Not burden. Responsibility.” Then she felt Alex slip down off the back of the couch and land beside her.  She felt Alex’s warm hand on her chin, turning her head to look at her and gaze into her eyes . “I chose that.  Rationally. I took on that responsibility. And if there’s one thing Kara will tell you about me, it’s that I never, ever walk away from a responsibility.  Especially not one I’ve chosen.”

Astra’s heart was squeezing in on itself.  She couldn’t explain why she felt so much guilt at relying on Alex, despite her declared willingness to be relied upon.

“Why?” Astra couldn’t emote, but felt like she was bursting.  “Why would you take that responsibility?”

“Well, at first, it seemed it was for Kara.  To save a long-lost beloved relative that I had heard so much about.  Then it became about you.” She stroked Astra’s hair and let the music fill the long silence between them.  “I know what it is to feel alone, to feel trapped on a path that you know is bad for you, that’s hurting your soul.  Your path was the same as mine, and they intersected. I was saving both our souls, Astra.”

Astra leaned into Alex’s touch, aching for it, even as she found she was angry with herself for wanting it so much.  Alex’s fingers tangled in her hair. Astra sighed, and her chin trembled. “It was not only the chemicals in our bodies that brought us to this,” she said, in a way that felt more like a question than a declaration.

“Maybe,” Alex sighed.  Astra felt Alex’s fingers digging in, scratching her scalp, massaging it.  Astra pressed herself against this deeper touch. “If you don’t want to have sex, that’s fine, and I don’t want you to think you have to just to keep me from walking away.  You’re in my care now, at the very least until Kara gets back. And maybe longer if we both decide we want that.”

Astra felt as though she was collapsing from within.  She could not remember when she had last been in someone’s care.  Under someone’s authority perhaps, but their care? “But I enjoy my body when it is with yours.”

Alex kept up her strong, deep, careful touches; stroking her hair, scratching her head, massaging it, straightening her hair a little, repeating.  “Okay,” Alex whispered, and kissed her temple. “Okay. Just know you can change your mind. You don’t have to.”

“But I want to.”  Astra trembled, letting Alex continue her soothing touches.  

“And that’s the problem, right?  You feel like you shouldn’t want to.”  

Alex stayed very close then, murmuring against her cheek.  “I feel that too. Maybe for different reasons, but I feel it too.  I shouldn’t. This isn’t who I thought I was, who I’m supposed to be.”  She kissed Astra’s cheek and jaw, continuing to work her fingers through Astra’s hair.  “I mean every word of what I say when I say that we saved each other’s souls. We became each other’s way out of terrible things that we didn’t want to do anymore.”

Astra felt a sob in her chest that wanted to escape, but she wouldn’t let it.

“It’s not just chemicals,” Alex continued.  “Those are there too, and they’re real, but it’s not just that.”  She nuzzled the side of Astra’s neck and tugged at the collar of the shirt she was wearing to kiss the base of her throat.  “Your grief and sadness are mine to bear, too. We tied ourselves to each other when we did what we did, breaking you out.” Alex shifted around and straddled Astra’s lap.  Her gentle hands tilted Astra’s head back and kissed her neck. Her soft mouth was a revelation. Still. Each time. Each kiss made her heart cry out again. “And I wouldn’t have it any other way.  You have to believe that.”

Astra gripped Alex’s hips, sighing and letting her string soft kisses all over her chin, lips, cheeks, and on each of her closed eyelids.  She was so convincing, so gentle, Astra couldn’t bear the thought of asking her to stop. 

Alex’s hands reached down and tugged Astra’s shirt up over her head and tossed it over the back of the couch.  She slid out of her own top and sports bra, and then she leaned in and wound herself around Astra. Astra’s skin sighed against Alex’s and she wept, finally.  “I did terrible things, you know that. That was why I started drinking. That was why I found Zen. And that was why the roshi named me a name that was about healing, and taking away pain, instead of inflicting it.”

“Starflower,” Astra sighed, and she felt hot tears run down her face onto Alex’s bare shoulder.

“Yes.”

Alex continued her gentle kisses, and slid down to her knees on the floor in front of Astra.  She laid her head against Astra’s chest. Astra felt her warm breath as she spoke. “You’re the path for me to fulfill my dharma,” she said.  “That’s more than destiny. That’s a destiny that you choose, that you strive for. I want to heal every wound in your battered soul, and I don’t know if I can, but I’m damn well going to try.  That’s my choice. I’ve enjoyed all the sex, but I’d still want to be that for you, even if we weren’t. Even without the chemicals. Do you understand?”

“Yes.”

“Do you believe me?”

“Yes.”

Alex stood, and took her hand, and led her to the bed.  They stripped out of their clothes and held each other tightly.  After some time, Alex kissed her, softly and slowly, all over her body; lips, throat, neck, back, shoulders, thighs, fingertips, breasts, belly.  Just that. Just kissed her, softly, carefully, endlessly. Astra gave herself up to it, letting Alex simply give her this gentleness, this attention, this affection.  She did not know how to deny herself this. She found that although it was arousing to be kissed in this way, that she did not necessarily feel an urgent desire for sex.  This was something else.

When Alex had done kissing her, they curled up again with each other.  “Alex,” she sighed. “That was wonderful.”

“Good.”

“I do, however, wish to have sex again.”

“Now?”

“At some point soon.”

“Okay.”

“And again after that.”

“Okay.”

“Many times, if possible.”

“We can accommodate that request.”

They lay together, tangled up, peaceful.  Then Astra spoke again.

“Alex?”

“Yeah?”

Once she had gotten her teeth in an idea, she would not let it go.  “Do you imagine we are ready yet?”

“For what?”

“The instructional videos.”

Alex laughed.  “We’ll talk about it in the morning.”


	9. Chapter 9

_ “Just before our love got lost you said  
_ _ I am as constant as a northern star and I said,  
_ _ Constantly in the darkness  
_ _ Where's that at?  
_ __ If you want me I'll be in the bar…”

Alex woke to the smell of omelets cooking, and the sound of Joni Mitchell’s “Case of You” drifting to her across the warm, fragrant air.  Her tastes in music had, for a very long time, run toward louder, more upbeat, more pop. It had been an odd thing that happened when she had turned to Zen: she had discovered music that was gentle, that encouraged her to feel things.  Joni Mitchell had been an early step on that journey. The beating, aching heart nestled at the core of the album “Blue” had been transformative. It filled her with unnamed longing.

She heard footsteps moving softly around in the kitchen and quiet humming along with the music.  She wondered idly how many times Astra had listened to this song while she slept, because her voice seemed to know the melody, if not the words.  

She rolled out of bed and made her way to where Astra stood before the stove, watching the two pans with careful attention.  She had clearly absorbed everything Alex had showed her about making breakfast and was now studiously applying it, and doing so, from the look of things, fairly well.  Alex placed a hand on the small of her back. “Smells good, General.”

Astra glanced at her with a small smile and said nothing.

Alex took the moment in; waking up to this woman, this woman who had shaken her to her soul, this woman cooking breakfast and playing Joni Mitchell and she had a fleeting sense that this could be her life.  She had never wanted domesticity even once, but for a brief moment, the idea of this every morning was deeply enticing. 

“You were not supposed to wake up yet,” Astra scolded gently.  “I have not started making the coffee.”

Alex leaned forward and kissed between her shoulder blades.  “Don’t worry, I’ll get it.”

For a split second, Astra relaxed into her touch.  Alex felt something warm stir in herself that was unfamiliar.  She would not find a name for it until later.

_ “...On the back of a cartoon coaster  
_ _ In the blue TV screen light  
_ _ I drew a map of Canada  
_ _ Oh Canada  
_ __ With your face sketched on it twice…”

 

“Tell me about the art on your body.”  Astra was gently folding the omelets, just as she had watched Alex do.  She was cautious but competent, and they folded in half neatly.

“Oh,” Alex sighed as she poured coffee beans into the grinder.  She held the button down and for a moment the unpleasant grinding cut across the music.  “Well, you know.” She shook the ground beans into the paper filter in the coffee machine.  “You know the one on my arm, here, that’s the character for my dharma name.”

“Yes, but what about the oceans?  And the flowers? And the warrior?”

“Well,” Alex began, pouring water into the machine, “the waves are based off of a famous artwork by a Japanese artist named Hokusai.  The Great Wave represents the bravery of the human soul, daring to defy the forces of nature.”

“That suits you,” Astra remarked gently.

Alex smiled.  “The warrior is a samurai.  A Japanese warrior, specifically, whose philosophies were very much aligned with Zen Buddhism hundreds of years ago.  The samurai was brave, loyal, cleaved to his honor, and the culture of the samurai produced a lot of beautiful ceremonies that are still around today, like the tea ceremony and the flower arranging ceremony.  Maybe I’ll show them to you sometime, if you’d like.”

Astra nodded, not looking up from her omelets.  “And the flowers on your back? Are they starflowers?”

“No.  They’re cherry blossoms.  The cherry blossom season is very short.  It’s to remind me of the fleeting nature of life.”

“You put a reminder of the fleeting nature of life on your body in permanent ink,” Astra remarked with amusement, remaining focused on the omelets.

Alex chuckled.  “Yeah, the irony isn’t lost on me.”  The coffee was starting to brew, and the smell mingled with that of the cooking omelets.

“Did you do these arts yourself?”

“No.  My best friend Susan did them.  She’s pretty gifted, too. Her style is sort of different from mine.  I’ve been trying to convince her to leave the DEO along with me and start a tattoo shop.  I think our styles would complement each other nicely.”

“All ventures are better accomplished with a partner.”

“True, that.”  

_ “...Oh you are in my blood like holy wine  
_ _ You taste so bitter  
_ _ And so sweet oh  
_ _ I could drink a case of you darling and I would  
_ _ Still be on my feet  
_ __ Oh I would still be on my feet…”

Alex didn’t know why she felt such peace this morning, but she held onto it with both hands, but loosely, so as not to strangle it.  She felt as if she had just emerged from a really good  _ seshin _ , the kind where she had really achieved a moment of Zen, and had come away with clarity.  She was aware now, of all the pain, all the fear, all the grief and regret she had accumulated over the years.  She saw them. But they no longer mattered. Astra was a warrior like her, and knew those regrets. Those pains, those broken places, those were where they met.  Whatever lay ahead in this, she thought, she would take it, and be glad of it. All of it was her path. All of it was a gift.

“Does she speak of alcohol here?” Astra asked.

“Yeah.  Well, yeah and no.”  She leaned over and peered at Astra’s breakfast.  “You should turn those now.”

Astra did this.  “Explain. What do you mean yes and no?”

Alex smiled sadly.  “It’s hard to explain, but… she’s comparing the feeling she has for her lover to the feeling she gets when she drinks wine.  Which is interesting, because if you drink too much alcohol, it can hurt you.”

“That is why you stopped.”

“Yes.”  Alex thought a moment more while she pulled the mugs from the cabinet.  “But she says ‘I could drink a case of you and I would still be on my feet’... so she’s saying she could never have too much of her lover.”

Astra thought about this, but didn’t say more.  She opened the cabinet and pulled out two plates.  “What is … holy wine?” she wondered finally.

“Wine that’s blessed by god. It’s a Christian thing, I guess.”

“Christians.  The ones who follow the nailed god.”

Alex sighed.  She wished Astra would stop calling him that.  Not that she cared, she just didn’t want her offending people in mixed company.  But, she supposed, they were probably a little ways from there anyhow. “Yes, them.”

_ “...Oh I am a lonely painter  
_ _ I live in a box of paints  
_ _ I'm frightened by the devil  
_ __ And I'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid

_ I remember that time that you told me, you said  
_ _ "Love is touching souls"  
_ _ Surely you touched mine 'cause  
_ _ Part of you pours out of me  
_ __ In these lines from time to time…”

Alex poured the coffee while Astra took the omelets from the pans and put them on the plates.  After a few moments of quiet, listening to the music, Astra asked, “Do you only do your art on people’s bodies?”

“Yeah.  I mean, I do draw and paint a little, but these days, it’s mostly while planning someone’s tattoo.”

They sat down together at the island.  

“I would like to see your art,” Astra decided.

“Okay.  After breakfast.”

_ “...I met a woman  
_ _ She had a mouth like yours, she knew your life  
_ _ She knew your devils and your deeds and she said  
_ _ "Go to him  
_ _ stay with him if you can  
_ __ But be prepared to bleed"

_ Oh but you are in my blood you're my holy wine  
_ _ You're so bitter  
_ _ bitter and so sweet oh  
_ _ I could drink a case of you darling  
_ _ Still I'd be on my feet  
_ __ I would still be on my feet…”

After a few moments of quiet, the next song began.  Alex asked, “I guess you found this while poking around my music collection?”

Astra nodded.  “I did. There are so many different kinds of music on Earth.  So many cultures, so many languages, so many different instruments and sounds.  The richness and diversity is far greater than the art form as it was practiced on Krypton.”

Alex munched on her omelet.  Astra had done a good job. She’d paid attention and learned how to do the steps correctly and her food tasted like food.  Alex felt faintly proud, somehow. “Why’d you pick this?”

“I chose it at random, simply because…”  Astra seemed faintly embarrassed as she admitted, “...I like the color blue.”  She drank some coffee. “But… it makes me feel things, this music. Her voice is like the voice of the wind, like the voice of stars.  It…” She struggled for a moment. “I cannot explain better.” She shrugged. “It makes me feel things.”

Alex nodded.  It was an apt enough description of Joni Mitchell’s voice.  It made you feel things. 

“Do you sing?”

“I did.  Only in the temple of course, the liturgy of Rao.”

“Would you sing for me?  Kara doesn’t keep up with her practice of the faith anymore and I miss those hymns.  She used to sing them when we kids.”

Astra’s eyes lit up.  “Really?”

“Yeah.”

They finished breakfast and Alex dug in her side table drawer and produced a quick pastel drawing.  It was a figure, a woman’s figure, a solid shadow, but wreathed in blue light, with a blazing star in the middle of her chest.  Astra gazed at a long time before asking, “When did you do this?”

Alex held it out to her and Astra took it gingerly with her fingertips.  “I did it late one night after the first time you and I fought.”

Astra looked at it for a long time.  “Is it me?” she finally asked.

Alex flushed a little.  “Maybe. I… it’s a warrior soul, I think.  It just kind of came out.”

Astra quoted the song:  “ _ Surely you touched mine 'cause/ Part of you pours out of me/ In these lines from time to time…” _

The general, the stoic Kryptonian general, sang with a voice like a fucking lark.  Alex trembled inside a little. 

Astra pointed to the figure’s head.  “Look at the hair. It is clearly me.”

“Those are supposed to be clouds.”

Astra gave her a knowing look.  “If you say so, human.”

Alex took the drawing and laid it aside, and put her arms around Astra.  She knew things weren’t always going to be smooth. She knew they both were going to be scared and unsure sometimes.  But more and more, she felt that this was right. That she wanted this woman who had come from across the stars, that they belonged together, locked in a joyful dance in each other’s fields of gravity.  And as they stood there, looking into each other’s eyes, smiling and enjoying the presence of this feeling, Alex’s phone rang.

“Ignore it,” Astra whispered, and kissed her.

Alex sighed.  “I should at least see who it is.”  She looked at the phone. It was Kara.   She picked it up. “Hey, Kara. What’s up?”

“So,” Kara began without greeting, “you’re having sex with my aunt?”

Alex swallowed hard.  “Um. What?” She sounded a little angry.

“Did I fucking stutter?  You’re having sex with my aunt?  When were you planning on getting around to telling me that?”

Alex’s hands shook.  She felt the color drain from her face.  She wasn’t ready for this. “How… What…?”

“You idiots went viral!” Kara interrupted.

“We… what?”

“Yeah.  You guys are a really cute Vine, where you, Alex, yell into a street full of strangers that you’re having sex with her and then you kiss.  I think it’s titled something really hilarious like “Cute Lesbians in Love” or something. One of my friends sent it to me with a note: hey, doesn’t that look just like Alex, LOL!”  She pronounced the LOL out loud. Her sarcasm reached all the way through the phone rom Greece and slapped Alex in the face.

“Um.”

Kara huffed.  “So? Anything you want to tell me?”

Alex welled up.  She wasn’t ready.  It was easy to do that, to have that moment on an anonymous street full of strangers.  She wasn’t ready to deal with Kara about it. “Look, we’ve talked about telling you, and we… we were planning on it.  But we just thought that it would be a lot to throw at you all at once to tell you that she was alive and that… that we were… you know…”

“Having sex?” Kara supplied irritably.

“Yeah.”

A long, uncomfortable pause fell.  Alex took a shaky breath. “Kara… I’m sorry… I know you’re probably really mad right now that I was keeping this secret from you… but…”  She sighed heavily. “Look, if it was anyone else, and not Astra, I probably would have waited to tell you, too. This… this is new for me.  For both of us, for different reasons. I… I never thought of myself as gay or bisexual or… or whatever. It never occurred to me that maybe I wanted that but it’s… it explains a lot.”

“Uh-huh,” Kara answered skeptically.  “And so… what, then? Is this just, like, experimenting or… or what?”

Alex sighed again.  “Look, I don’t know what it is yet.  It’s too new. I just… it’s more than just sex, that much I know.  It’s more than sex. I…” She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and tried.  “...I don’t think I’ve felt this way, ever, about anyone. I… I wish I could tell you everything, Kara, but there’s so much I can’t tell you.  Just… know that we saved each other. Not just physically, but we saved each other’s souls. I… she’s my path, Kara. My dharma. Koku Roshi gave me a name to aspire to, and I become that with her.  I… there’s a lot I still can’t explain, but there’s more bound up in what’s happening between us than I can really even explain.” She wiped at her eyes, annoyed with herself for crying. “So. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry I wasn’t ready to come out to you, and I’m sorry I wasn’t ready to tell you that I was sleeping with your aunt, and I’m sorry I feel the way I do about her, but…”

Kara groaned loudly.  She didn’t speak for a moment after that.  “OK, look. I get it, ok. I understand. It’s a big thing.  I mean, my sexuality has for sure always been a little sketchy and nobody would be surprised if I was bisexual or whatever–”

“Are you?”

Kara snorted.  “We’re not talking about me right now.  Anyway, I know you’re probably sorting through a lot of stuff now.  And um… you know. I’m glad that you finally found someone who makes you feel like that.  None of the guys you ever dated made you feel anything like that, at least not that you told me about.”

“Yeah,” Alex sniffled.

“But you know, I KIND OF WISH IT WASN’T MY AUNT BECAUSE THAT’S A LITTLE WEIRD FOR ME!”

“I know, I know, I wish it wasn’t like that…”

Kara sighed.  Then she chuckled a little.  “I don’t know. You are two of my favorite people in the entire universe and I guess I see the sense of it.  I just wish I hadn’t had to find out by a viral video, you know?”

Alex hesitated.  “So… are you OK?”

Kara hooted.  “Absolutely not.  Not even a little.  This is weird as fuck.  I’m not OK at all. But…”  She sighed. “I probably will be eventually.  It’s a lot for me to get used to, you know?”

“I know.  Are you pissed?”

“A little.  But… it’s mostly about the secrecy.  And… maybe a little about the vaguely incestuous nature of the whole thing.”  There was a pause in which it sounded like Kara was munching on something. “You know, I really really like baklava.  Anyway, it’s going to take some time for me to get my brain around this. But I promise, it’ll be ok. Eventually. I just need a minute.”

Alex let go a sigh of relief.  “I understand.”

“Alright look, I gotta go, I have class in twenty minutes, but we’ll talk again soon.”

“Ok.”

“And Alex?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m glad you found someone who touches your soul.”

 

_ “I remember that time that you told me, you said  
_ _ "Love is touching souls"  
_ _ Surely you touched mine 'cause  
_ _ Part of you pours out of me  
_ __ In these lines from time to time…”


	10. Chapter 10

Astra had not much practice with most human things, but one of the first things she had learned upon coming to stay with Alex after their escape from the DEO was holding Alex tightly when she needed it.  And she needed it now.

She slipped in behind her where she lay on the bed, in a little ball.  Without a word, she curled herself around Alex and slid an arm around her waist, and pulled herself tightly against her back.  She could feel the sadness coming off of her in waves, thick and heavy and blue. Blue, Astra thought, like the songs. She kissed Alex’s shoulder.

After a long quiet, Alex spoke.  Her voice sounded very small. “I wish it didn’t go like that.”

Astra squeezed her for a moment and then released a little.  “Dharma means the order of the universe, does it not?”

“Um, loosely, yeah.”

Astra thought for a moment.  “And how does that apply to me?  What does it mean that I am your dharma?”

Alex sighed.  “It means, there’s a sense of rightness, of order, to you and I coming together.  A sense that… my journey is … that you and I…” She struggled for a moment. “That coming together with you is the journey that my spirit needs.”

Astra thought about this.  Alex seemed to be so thoroughly divested from the notion of gods, yet she talked about her spiritual path with such ease.  Astra found it confusing. “And does Kara understand that? That this is what dharma is to you?”

Alex burrowed deeper into her embrace.  “I think so. Maybe. We… I don’t know. She seemed supportive that Buddhism was working for me and helping me get sober, and she kind of understands certain things.  She did a little reading when I got into it.”

They lay in quiet a while longer.  Then Astra asked, “What do you know of this friend who you suspect to be a sex friend?”

Alex huffed, and seemed maybe that she was chuckling a little.  “Not much. It’s a girl. A local Greek girl, I think. Kara speaks pretty good Greek.  She seems to be spouting a lot of stuff to Kara about ‘be who you are’ and that sort of thing.”

“You sound displeased with this.”

“I am, a little.  I grew up with the burden of trying keep Kara from attracting too much attention to herself.  My mother and father always felt it was dangerous for her to show her powers and be openly alien. And, you know… you of all people know that’s kind of true.”

“I  _ was _ attempting to take over Earth,” Astra reminded her.

Alex’s body shook a little.  A silent laugh, Astra guessed.  “Anyway, people are weird and prejudiced and if you get on the DEO’s bad side… I mean, Nat City is different, there’s the Alien District and whatnot… but Eliza and Jeremiah always wanted her to try and blend in.”

Astra made a little sound of acknowledgment and kissed Alex’s shoulder.  “But perhaps it is better not to hide. Better for the soul?”

Alex sighed.  “I guess.”

“But the lesson of today is, you must be ready.”

“Hm?”

“You did not get to choose our time to tell Kara about us, because you chose to declare our sexual relationship in the middle of a crowded street.  You wanted to prove to me that you were not ashamed of me. But you were not yet ready to be this person with the ones who mattered most to you. You were foolhardy.  You ran toward the Great Wave.”

Alex sighed.  “Good pep talk, thanks.”

“This is important, my human.  You need prove nothing to me or anyone else.”

Alex considered her in silence for a long time.  Then she said, “I guess Kara isn’t ready to talk about her lover either.”

“I know you were close as children, as I was with my own sister.  I do not think she is angry. I think she is simply hurt.”

“Well maybe I am too,” Alex muttered. “My teen years, the years that were supposed to be about fun and high school dances and being stupid and carefree were about keeping my alien sister out of trouble.  But at least we had each other. We confided in each other. Now she’s on the other side of the world and doing stuff she doesn’t tell me about…”

Astra squeezed her again.   After a moment of fretting, Alex let herself melt into it.  She sniffled a little.

_ Kara isn’t ready to talk about her lover either, _ Astra thought.   _ Lovers _ , she mused.   _ Alex is my lover. _  This word was unsatisfactory for a number of reasons, but it was any word at all for what they were to each other.  It was a start. 

She allowed her hand to roam the front of Alex’s body.   _ My lover’s body _ .  She relished the soft little sounds Alex made as she cupped the silky weight of her breasts in hand and brushed her fingers over the stiffening nipples.  She delighted in the louder moans she made when she slid her hand down into her pants and stroked her gently, tenderly, kissing the back of her neck, until she came.  

_ My lover, _ she thought.

  
  


***

  
  


They napped after a few more rounds of sex.  They were getting better at it, Astra thought.  Alex continued to be melancholy and quiet throughout the day, but Astra dug the pastels and paper out of the drawer and put them in her hands.  Alex drew for a long time, and then they ordered dinner: fajitas, fried chicken and lasagna. Astra wanted to try more foods and Alex seemed to be amused and having the variety. Astra discovered that she liked all of these things.  Alex decided that soon they would introduce her to buffalo wings. Astra had seen pictures of buffalo and they did not have wings. Perhaps they were retractable.

They went to bed early.  Astra sang her the Song of Remembrance, the Raoite hymn that sprang first to mind.  Alex drifted off to sleep in her arms.

Astra found herself restless and she got up, found Alex’s phone, and fiddled with it till she figured out how to call Kara.  She needed to hear Kryptonese, suddenly, and she did not know of anyone else who might be able to give her that.

“Alex?  It’s kind of early.”

Astra launched into a stream of Kryptonese, speaking quickly to her niece on the other side of the world.  “Kara, this isn’t Alex. It’s Astra. I’m on her phone. It’s a simple little device, it didn’t take me long to figure out.  I wanted to hear your voice, and I wanted to hear our language, and I wanted to talk to you about your sister, because–”

“Whoa!” Kara cut in, in hesitant Kryptonese.  “Slower, please. I am a little … boneless?”

“Unpracticed,” Astra corrected.  “I see. Alright. I’ll speak a little slower.  I’m sorry, little one.”

“Why do you call me?”

Astra shook her head at Kara’s awkward phrasing.  It would come back to her, she supposed, but it was still funny to hear it coming so stilted from her mouth.  “I want to talk to you about your sister. And about me. And about you and your friend who possibly is or is not a sex friend.  And about English words and maybe finding the right ones.”

“We can talk about those things.”

Astra sighed.  “I wish that your sister had not done that ridiculous thing in the street.  I was afraid that she was ashamed of me, and she did this to prove to me she wasn’t.  You know her. It seems to be her way. Too much, too fast, she charges into the Great Wave.”  She paused. “Are you following me?”

“Yes.  And you are right.”

“Of course I am.  You need to know and understand that she worried a great deal over telling you, when to tell you and how.  She feared you wouldn’t accept us together, or that you wouldn’t accept her as one who desires women, whatever that word is that they have for it.”

“Many words for it,” Kara managed to say.  “Lesbian is a not-rude one.”

“Polite,” Astra corrected.

“Polite.”

“She misses you,” Astra said softly.  “She tells me that you were close in your youth, and that now you feel far away, and I think she hurts over it.  I think she doesn’t understand why. And I think that you may have your reasons, but if you’re feeling hurt that she didn’t tell you about her feelings, or about the two of us, remember that she also may be feeling that.  She feels that you have pulled away from her.”

“She tells you this?”

“Not in those precise words, but her feelings are obvious to me.  Kara, my precious little one, she has so much love for you, and she worries for you, even now.  The weight of having to care for you has never left her shoulders.”

Kara sighed.  “But that is … why I..”  She huffed in frustration.  “Can we switch to English, please?”  

“Fine.”

“So, that’s why I pulled away.  Because after Eliza died, I didn’t want her to feel responsible for me anymore. I wanted her to have some freedom from that.”

“I understand.  But she thinks you are sex friends…  _ lovers _ ... with this Greek friend and simply not telling her for your own reasons.  I suspect she feels you are shutting her out.”

Kara sighed.  “I thought she would have wanted the break.  I thought it would be good for us to find ourselves a little bit, you know, separately. I didn’t know she would feel hurt about it.”

“Yet you felt angry and hurt that she did not include you in something important that was happening to her.”

There was a long, long silence.  Finally, Kara whispered, “Yeah.”

Astra nodded with satisfaction.  She was getting through.

“So… is it like Alex said?  Do you … feel like… like you really belong together?”

Astra smiled.  “Little one, it is a new kind of bond for me.  But it is as much chemical as spiritual. As much a matter of the soul as the sex.”

Kara made a little choking sound, but said nothing.

“Do you experience sexual desire?” Astra asked her.

“I… um, yeah.”

“For the Greek?”

“Yes,” Kara admitted.  “And others before that.”

“You know that this was engineered out of our people, yes?  Only in some genetic lines did it turn up as a recessive trait and those of us who had it would be treated for it.  As I was. But you never were. Enjoy the gift that you have been given, little one, not to have to discover all of these feelings for the first time at so advanced an age as mine.”

“I… I never realized that.  So you and Non never…. Are you … and please, I don’t want details, I’m not ready for that and don’t know if I’ll ever be, but… are you doing okay with all of that?”   


“Yes.  It is wonderful.  It is at times terrifying.  I… have never felt this kind of closeness with someone before.  I had a bond with my husband but this… is a different kind of bond.  I have no words for this feeling, not yet.”

“Do you think you’re… in love?”

Astra hesitated for a long moment.  She shifted to Kryptonese again. “I find the English language, and in fact most human languages, so frustratingly vague in the use of this word and concept.  Love … means so many different things, it encompasses so many different kinds of bonds. Family is love, and friendship is love, and sex is ‘making love’ sometimes, to some people, in some situations.  I struggle to shake the sense out of it. Can you explain to me what it means when one says they’re ‘in love’?”

Kara chuckled.  She responded in English.  “Well actually, the ancient Greeks had a bunch of different words for love.  It’s one of the cool things about studying Greek. I think it’d really appeal to you.  They had Eros, which is sexual passion. They had Ludus, which is like a playful affection between children or young lovers.  Umm, Philia, which is like deep friendship. Pragma, which is a longstanding bond, like you had with Non, I guess. Philautia, which is like, care for one’s self.  And then Agape, which is like… hard to explain. It’s kind of radical. It’s caring, for all things, all people. Kind of a … a charity. Superheroes have that one a lot.”

Astra made a thoughtful sound.  “I like this better than English.  It is more precise. Or any of the other human languages I know.  Why did they not include Greek in the pod?”

“Well, there are only a few million Greek speakers in the entire world.  It probably didn’t seem like a practical choice.”

They talked for a few moments more.  It was a kind and open conversation, where they spoke freely about subjects that were on their hearts.  When they ended the call, Astra lay awake for a little while longer, parsing everything she had learned in the last day or so.  

_ Love is touching souls. _

_ Eros.  Ludus. Philia. _

_ Alex.  My lover. _


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry this one is kinda long ;)

Alex woke up to Joni Mitchell again.  Astra was singing along this time.

It was a strange thing, how time seemed to compress when you never left someone’s presence.  They had been together, mostly inside these four walls, for nearly a month now. It felt to Alex as if she had known Astra for more like a year.  Because there was no reprieve. No job to go to, not for either of them. No room to brood privately. No space apart during which they could worry about appearing too interested or too desperate.  Just the curious feeling of falling into each other’s gravity and endless hours in which to explore just what it felt like to do so.

It occurred to Alex that they had only been having sex for about three days.  It felt like three weeks. She had to remind herself of that. This was beyond new.  All of it. How was it that she was in so far, so fast? But she was always the sailor, paddling her tiny boat into the Great Wave.  Why should this be any different?

And in fairness to herself, they had had sex several times in those three days.  And already, it seemed, they were getting better at it.

It was time to make _that_ phone call.  

She turned over, grabbed her phone, and dialed Susan.

“Agent Danvers,” came her friend’s mildly sarcastic greeting.

“Yeah, I’m retired, Agent Vasquez.”

Susan snorted.  “As you’re well aware, I’m at work now.  What’s up?”

Alex sighed.  “Well, I … um, I need…”  She rubbed the back of her neck.  Was there any delicate way to ask this?  “...I need some advice. And other things.”

Susan sounded intrigued.  “What shit have you gotten yourself into now that I’m gonna have to bail you out of?”  Susan had been Alex’s wingman for a long time now and she was somewhat long-suffering when it came to Alex’s more wanton tendencies but it should also be noted that she rather enjoyed them.

“Sus, it’s not like that.  I just…” For no reason, she dropped her volume by half.  “...look, there’s no way to beat around the bush. I… I started sleeping with a woman and I honestly have no idea what I’m doing.”

Susan snorted.  “Sounds like beating around the bush is exactly what you’re doing.”

“Fuck off.”

Susan chuckled.  “Pam from HR owes me twenty bucks.”

“What?”

“I bet her you were gonna turn out to be a lesbian.”

“I hate you so much.”

Susan sighed.  “Alright, alright, Al.  I know this is probably a big deal and maybe exciting but also a little scary.  How can I help? What do you need?”

Alex bit her lip.  “I just… um. I need some recommendations for… um, you know… videos.”  She’d busted Susan watching lesbian porn once or twice when she’d shown up early at her place.  Well, busted was the wrong word, since Susan didn’t really seem to care what Alex walked in on.

Susan was clearly amused, but trying to be cool and helpful.  “Okay. What kind?”

“Um…”. Alex glanced at Astra, who was moving about in the kitchen, making coffee and singing along to “All I Want” in that gorgeous, clear voice.  “...nothing too savory, okay? Not to start with. Just something that can, um… show us the basics.”

Susan mused for a moment.  “Mm, okay, I think I have some idea of what to recommend, but honestly Al, I think you’re better off reading ...stuff… than watching it.  There’s a lot that doesn’t... get across on film.”

Alex sighed.  “Yeah okay, and I’ll take whatever you want to recommend for that, too but… I just… I want to see it done.  I need to be able to picture myself doing it.”

“Just to be clear, we’re talking about–”

“Yes, dammit.”

Susan chuckled again.  “Okay, okay. I’ll give you some good stuff.”  There was a slightly too-long pause. “So you said show US the basics, not show ME.  So she has no experience either.”

“Um, it’s amazing, but she has even less than me.”

Susan whistled.  “Wow, okay. So … you had to know I was gonna ask… who’s the lucky lady?”

Alex groaned.  “Sus, i really don’t wanna say right now.”

“So it’s someone I know.”

“Ugh, sort of.”

“If I guess right, will you tell me?”

“Sus..” Alex said plaintively.

“Is it Director Lane?”

“What?  No! I don’t think she’s even gay.”

“Neither were you, last week.”

“It’s not her.”

There was another long pause.  “Oh. My. God.”

“Sus…”

Now Susan dropped her voice to a whisper.  “It’s the goddamn general, isn’t it.”

Alex sighed.  “Yes.”

“Ha. Moral high ground my ass,” Susan said, and she almost sounded genuinely annoyed.  She dropped her voice to a low whisper. “I risked my ass for you to help you smuggle her out of there!  If I had known it was–“

“Sus, look, it wasn’t like that.  This… happened only in the last couple of days and… we were both pretty surprised by it.”

Susan humphed.  “Alright, listen.  Here’s what we’re doing.  I’m texting you from my personal phone.  I’m subscribed to a streaming service that I’m gonna send you my login for.  I’ll also add a list of stuff you should watch. And then I’m gonna send you a little reading list too.  I really recommend you do both.”

Alex sighed with relief.  “Thank you.”

She got up and strolled into the kitchen.  She slid her arms around Astra’s waist as she stood in front of the open cabinets, gazing at the assorted items inside.  She took out a box of mac and cheese. “What is this?”

“That’s mac and cheese.  It’s delicious but it’s not really breakfast.”

“Why not?”

Alex paused.  She didn’t have a good answer.  Why were some foods designated breakfast and others only for dinner?  “Mostly convention, I suppose.”

“I am not bound by your conventions.  I would like to try the mac and cheese.”

Alex laughed and kissed her.  “Alright.”

So Alex fixed her mac and cheese.  While she was pouring the milk, Astra stood near the window watching a butterfly land on a branch outside.

“We do not go outside much,” she mused.

“Yeah.”

“That is a butterfly, yes?”

Alex peered past her shoulder at the large orange monarch that had alighted on the branch.  “Yeah.” It occurred to her that Astra could do that, too, alight on a branch, if she chose to.  She wasn’t allowed, per her agreement with the DEO, but she could.

“Beautiful.”

Alex nodded, and poured the milk into the macaroni, dumped in the cheesy orange powder, and stirred it.  “My favorite thing about them is how they start out.”

“What do you mean?”

“A butterfly’s life cycle is unusual.  It starts out as a different creature altogether.  A caterpillar. A little worm that crawls around on its belly.  And then… it cocoons. Its body spits out silk. It wraps itself in a protective layer, a chrysalis, and stays there. Sometimes for ten days, sometimes much longer in colder climates.  And while it’s in there, it transforms. Parts of its body become the beautiful parts of the butterfly. And when it comes out, it comes out… like that.”

Astra smiled as she thought about it.  Alex spooned some mac and cheese into a bowl and set it on the island.  “Are we cocooning?” Astra asked.

Alex chuckled and considered the question.  “I don’t know.”

“We have wrapped ourselves in a protective layer and are hiding from the world, mostly.”

“We went out the other night.”

“Yes, but mostly we do not.”

“True.”

“So are we transforming?”

Alex went to where Astra stood at the window, and put her arms around Astra’s waist.  “I don’t know. This is uncharted territory for me. But… maybe. Maybe this is part of our life cycle.  Maybe we do come out of this as something different and better.”

She kissed Astra and once again, noted how different it felt from every other time she’d kissed someone.  She wondered how that was changing her. She wondered how it was changing Astra.

“So listen… I just spoke to Susan…”

“I heard.”

“Then you know what’s she’s giving me.”

“I do.”  Astra’s eyes were lit with an excitement Alex had not seen in them before.

Alex’s phone dinged in the pocket of her pajama pants.  She took it out and saw a very long text from Susan. “So, then.  Would you like some dessert after breakfast?”

“I am not bound by your conventions. I would like it before.”

Alex laughed.  “But the food will get cold.  And I imagine you’ll want to fortify yourself.”

Astra scoffed a little and kissed her.  “You are very confident.”

Alex flushed.  “Suit yourself.”

They opened up Alex’s laptop and placed it on the coffee table.  It took a few moments to load in Susan’s credentials and pull up the first of the videos she’d suggested, “Cabin Getaway,” and set it rolling.  Astra was sitting on the edge of the couch, leaning forward, eager and curious. Alex slid in behind her and slipped her arms around her waist, resting her chin on Astra’s shoulder.  “She gave me a pretty long list,” Alex murmured into her ear as the scene opened on an exterior shot of a cabin in the mountains. “I think we’re going to get very good at this.”

Astra said nothing, but in response, she pressed herself back a little further into Alex’s arms.

Two fairly cute girls were shown coming in from the snow, wearing ski gear.  They chattered back and forth in a fairly vacuous way for a few minutes. Astra whispered, “Are you sure this is the right video?”

“Yeah, it’s OK.  All of these videos have some dumb dialogue at the beginning that you have to sit through,” Alex whispered back.  She was excited. Her heart was thumping. Nothing had even happened yet.

They started taking off their ski gear.  It was a blonde and a brunette. Petite and slender and young.  Susan had commented in her text about how the nice thing about this service was that most of the movies on it used real girls with real bodies; you didn’t tend to run into a lot of fake porn star tits.  

“It’s so cold in here,” the blonde was saying, “maybe we better go curl up by the fire.”

And then, they were off and running.  The brunette started kissing the blonde, and they ended up on a rug in front of the fireplace.  “That seems like a nice place to have sex,” Astra murmured. “The rug looks very soft.”

“Mm.”

This was already different from other porn Alex had seen.  There was a lot of kissing. A lot. The undressing was slow and gentle.  “Is that what we look like?” Astra wondered.

“More or less, I guess,” Alex murmured back.  A part of her, in the back of her brain, was waiting for this to become overwhelming and unpleasant, the way porn had always been for her.  But that wasn’t happening. Astra’s question echoed, bouncing off her own thought that she’d vocalized to Susan; wanting to be able to see and imagine herself making love to a woman, and wanting to have some sense of what it looked like.

“I like the way we look,” Astra whispered after a moment.  Alex heard a little tightness in her voice, and knew that she was responding to what they were watching.

“Me too,” Alex whispered back, and her fingers began toying with the hem of Astra’s tee shirt.  

They watched as the brunette, in a wonderfully unhurried way, liberated the blonde from her shirt, and then spent several long moments attending to her breasts through the fabric of her bra.  The blonde was making sweet, soft noises while the brunette caressed her, gently squeezed her, tugged at her nipples till she was sighing, and then began kissing around the lacy edge of the cups.

“She’s not as beautiful as you, though,” Alex added after a moment.

“Which one?”

“Either one.”

Alex glanced down and saw that Astra’s nipples were hard through the fabric of the shirt.  “I think she’s giving you ideas,” she teased softly. “I think they want to be touched like that.”

“Mm,” Astra agreed.  

Alex slid one hand up and began mirroring the way the brunette in the video was touching the blonde.  Astra arched her back and pushed back against her touch. “Good?” But Alex knew it was good. She kissed the side of Astra’s neck and then bit a little, in the spot just beside the hinge of her jaw, where she particularly liked it.

“Very good,” Astra sighed.  

They kept their eyes on the screen.  

Alex slowed down.  The brunette was pressing the blonde down onto her back and then stripping her out of her pants.  Alex’s heart skipped. The brunette took her own clothes off and lay on top of her. They started grinding slowly against each other.

“Do you have a preference for either of them?” Astra inquired.  Her breathing was thick and Alex knew her voice when it was lust-soaked.  

“Not really,” Alex murmured, nibbling at Astra’s earlobe.  “They’re both beautiful but watching them...all it does is make me want to fuck you.”  She tugged gently at one of Astra’s nipples through the shirt and smiled when it elicited a little sharp intake of breath.  She had the fleeting thought that it was interesting that she reached for “fuck” versus any of the other more delicate terms.  

Astra chuckled.  “Is that not how it is meant to work?”

Alex hummed against Astra’s shoulder.  “Guess so.”

“Will they finish that way?  Rubbing against each other?”

“Dunno.  It’s a suspenseful story.”

The brunette began moving slowly down the blonde’s body.  The blonde was sighing and moaning as she was kissed with deliberate purpose from her neck, down her breasts, to her belly.  The brunette continued slowly moving down. Alex’s breathing slowly picked up.

“Your heart is pounding.”

“Maybe.”

“Not maybe,” Astra responded, as evenly as she could.  “You want sex now, and so do I.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes.”

Alex nibbled her earlobe again.  “Is your pussy wet?”

Astra moaned a little.  Funny how the word had taken on a similar weight for her.  How easily her lusts and desires and kinks were transferred.  “Yes.”

They watched the brunette gently working down the blonde’s body.  She bobbed back up for a moment, and spent some time tracing little circles around the girl’s nipples with her tongue.  “I would like to try that,” Astra whispered. “I would like to stimulate you in that way.”

“Sounds good.  But right now, it’s my turn.”  

Then the brunette slipped back down and went on slowly working downward.

“What is she doing?” Astra wondered.

“I guess we’ll see.”

“Suspenseful story.”  The brunette pushed the blonde’s thighs apart and Alex’s heart skipped.  She watched as the brunette laid kisses all over the insides of her thighs.  “Is she going to kiss her… there?”

“I hope so,” Alex muttered.  She watched the brunette’s pink tongue drawing little trails up the insides of her friend’s thighs, up and then down the crease where they joined with her hips.  

The brunette looked up.  “Do you want me to lick you?” she asked the blonde.

Astra shuddered.

Alex sighed under her breath, “Yes.”

And the blonde said it too.  

The brunette delicately spread her partner open, and then dragged the tip of her tongue up the length of her pussy, slowly, seeming to enjoy it.  The blonde moaned. “Good,” the brunette whispered.

“Good,” Alex whispered.

They watched her lapping softly, slowly, long, slow, gentle licks, each one starting at the bottom and finishing at her clit.  Still delicate, still gentle, just with the tip of her tongue. The blonde was already moaning with pleasure.

Alex could feel the tension in Astra’s body.  She was practically trembling as she watched. “Is that one of the things you said you did not know how to do?”

Alex squeezed her tighter.  “Yeah.”

“I want sex now.”  Astra’s voice was edged with longing and lust.  “But I cannot stop watching.”

Alex slipped her hand down into Astra’s waistband, and slipped her fingers down between her legs.  She was soaked already. She probed gently around her clit and Astra groaned. The brunette was increasing her vigor a little, varying the way she seemed to use her tongue, focusing more on the clit.  Alex teased Astra some more.

“Can we try that?” she moaned, struggling to form words with Alex touching her.

“Yeah,” Alex sighed.  “I want to do that for you.”

Alex pulled her hand out for a moment and brought her wet fingers up to her lips and tasted them.  She rolled Astra’s taste around in her mouth a moment and then slid her hand back down to stroke her some more.  Astra was thrusting, little thrusts, against Alex’s fingers.

“You have been thinking about it.  This is why you keep tasting me,” Astra surmised.  

“Mm,” Alex confirmed.  She brought her fingers up to Astra’s lips.  “Try it. See how you taste.”

Astra took Alex’s fingers into her mouth and explored them thoroughly with her tongue.  “Interesting,” was all she said.

Alex was watching.  They were both glued to the screen, watching all her little movements, trying to divine how to accomplish what she was accomplishing.  But more than that, Alex knew that at least for herself, she was able to imagine herself doing this for Astra. She was able to picture enjoying it because it would make Astra feel that good.  

“Do you want me to?” Alex murmured hotly against her neck.  She reached down and stroked her through her sweatpants. They were soaked almost completely through.

“Yes,” Astra whispered, almost panting.

“Say it,” Alex whispered.  God, the more they said those things to each other, the easier it got, and the sexier it got.

“Will you please do it?”  Astra sighed, moving herself a little against Alex’s fingers.

“Do what?”

“Lick my pussy please,” Astra groaned.

Alex groaned in response.  “Oh my god.”

The girls on the screen were moaning louder now.  Alex and Astra never took their eyes away from it. They watched the blonde come hard, and Alex thought, _I want to make her come like that._ Astra leaned forward and paused the movie.

Alex slid out from behind her and positioned herself on the floor in front of her.  “Take your pants off,” she whispered. But she didn’t need to. Astra was already shimmying out of them and tossing them in a pile on the floor.

Alex braced her hands on Astra’s thighs and gently pushed them open.  She paused, looking up at her. “Please be patient with me,” she whispered.  “If it’s not good, we’ll work on it till it is.”

“It will be good,” Astra assured her, “because I want you.  Everything you do to my body is good, because I want you.”

Alex nibbled at the inside of her thigh, midway up, and kissed her.  She tasted the salt of Astra’s skin and the faint remains of vanilla soap.  She switched over to the other thigh, a little further up. Astra sighed, and her hands toyed with Alex’s hair.  Again, Alex switched sides, working up, slowly, remembering each place that brought her nearer. One, to the other, to the other, to the other, and every inch she moved up made Astra’s sighs take on another shade of longing.  By the time she planted a bite at the place where thigh joined hip, Astra was moaning and trembling.

“Do you want me?” Alex whispered, looking up at her.

Astra tangled her fingers in Alex’s hair.  “Yes. Please. Kiss me. As she did in the video.”

Alex breathed deeply.  She took in Astra’s scent for a moment, breathed it in.  She delicately placed her fingers on either side of Astra’s sex and gently spread her open.  She wanted to see, really see, the berry-pink flesh, slick and wet with aching for Alex’s mouth.  She wanted to see the quiver and twitch, the clit standing stiff and ready for her. This was raw sex, and Alex felt herself growing hungry for it.

She tilted her head forward, and dropped a soft kiss against Astra’s clit.  Astra shuddered and gave a little moan. “Good?” Alex whispered.

“Yes.”

So she began as she had watched them do in the movie, starting at the bottom and dipping the tip of her tongue into the folds and licking upwards, finishing at the clit.  Astra groaned.

Alex paused, swirling the taste around in her mouth.  She couldn’t say it was a pleasant or unpleasant taste.  It tasted like lust. She licked her again and felt Astra shiver with delight.  It tasted like fucking. It tasted like raw sexual hunger, and she fed herself. She licked her again, and again.  Astra cried out for more each time. She knew she didn’t know what she was doing, not really, but she knew she couldn’t get enough of the sounds Astra was making and she knew that the sounds and the taste of it were entwined and she loved it all.  She felt Astra’s fingers tightening in her hair.

There was no point asking if she liked it.  Alex could tell. It was evident.

But Astra wanted to know.  In between Alex’s slow, careful strokes, Astra managed to ask, “Do you… _oh!_ ...do you like it?”

“I love it,” Alex whispered back, and Astra moaned again.  She probed with her tongue, wanting to know what each part of her did, how it felt, what worked and didn’t, and just wanting to taste her, and keep tasting her, and fill her mouth with the taste of pure sex.

“Tell me what feels best.  This,” she murmured, and flicked the tip of her tongue over Astra’s clit lightly for a few moments, and felt her writhing.  “Or this,” and then she licked her hard with the flat of her tongue, and Astra thrust against her mouth, groaning. “Or this,” and after a half second of angling her head, she leaned in again and sucked her clit, felt it throb against her tongue.  Astra’s groans became louder.

“I… This one is…”  And then she shuddered with orgasm, crying out loudly, and Alex’s sucking became more eager, more hungry.  Astra’s fingers tightened in Alex’s hair, so tight that it was a little bit of searing hot pain, and Alex winced and made a little sharp hissing of breath.

Astra instantly released her hold.  “Are you alright? Did I hurt you?” she asked, and her face was full of concern.  

Alex nodded, and lowered her head and kissed again.  Astra shivered. “You did, a little,” she whispered. She kissed again.  “But… I… don’t know if it was bad. I… I think maybe it was good.”

Astra shook her head, breathless and boneless, and tugged at Alex’s shirt, seeming to indicate that she wanted Alex to come up and wrap around her.  So Alex did. She straddled Astra’s lap and burrowed up against her and kissed her deeply, for a long time. Astra’s kiss explored Alex’s mouth with her tongue.  “That’s you,” Alex whispered, “that’s what you taste like. That’s what sex tastes like.”

Astra made a little soft sound.  They sat, wrapped around each other, softly nuzzling one another and kissing sweet, gentle kisses.  “I hope we can do this again.”

“Yeah we can.”

“And I hope I can do this for you.”

“If you want to.”

“I do. I will need to watch the instructional video again, I think.”

“We can do that.  Susan also gave me things to read.”

“Study aids?”

“Yes, study aids.”

“I would like to see them.”

“OK, but we need a break.”

“Yes, and I am very hungry.”

“I told you.”

“You did.  Where is my mac and cheese?”

“On the island.  Cold. I told you that too.”

“Maybe I will like it cold.”

“Yeah yeah, not bound by conventions.”

She felt Astra’s fingers wind themselves gently in her hair, and pull her head back carefully.  “And then perhaps you will explain why you liked it when I hurt you?”

Alex pushed forward against the direction of Astra’s pull and felt a fainter version of that hot pain that she’d enjoyed. “I don’t know if I can.  I’ll try.”

Astra got up and brought back the bowl, and two spoons.  They sat together and shared the cold macaroni and cheese.  “It is good,” Astra observed after a few moments of quiet munching.

“I think we’re just hungry.”

“You do not want to admit you are wrong.”

“I’m not wrong.  This is gross. We’re just hungry.”

“If you say so.”

“I do.”

“Hm.”

“Hm.”

They exchanged monosyllabic expressions of arrogance and ate.


	12. Chapter 12

The rhythms of Krypton’s days and nights had stayed buried in Astra’s bones.  Her sleep often failed to bend to the will of Earth’s rotations around the sun.  It had always been so, for as long as she had been there. She wondered if Kara dealt with this too, or if her sleep and waking had acquiesced to the gold light of the Aten, the yellow sun worshiped by so many on this Earth.  

She wondered whether Non, in his green-lit Kryptonite cell, slept and woke with the cycles of a world that no longer existed, or whether he was subject to the whims of his handlers at the DEO and what they decided was night and day.

This moment, as she lay awake in the middle of the afternoon, while Alex napped curled up beside her, was the first time she had thought about Non in a few days.  The realization shocked her.

What would he think of this?  What would he feel at knowing that she had fallen to the pull of sexual hunger?  What would he think of the fact that she became weak when this human woman made love to her, that she loved and relished that weakness?  Would it hurt him to know that animal lust had bonded her to someone in a way that was more powerful than what she had shared with him? Or would he be simply disappointed?  He had been her literal partner in crime, her most trusted lieutenant, the one she had chosen to stand beside her in her fight. When she had lost everything else, there had been Non.

She felt sick, suddenly, and restless.  She carefully extricated herself from Alex’s arms and got out of the bed.  She cast about the room until she found two black articles of clothing and scrambled into them.  She slipped quietly out the apartment door and down into the street.

She had not wandered alone among the humans in a very long time.  And even those reconnaissance missions had been few and far between.  She felt strange and slightly lost without Alex next to her. But she needed to get away.  She felt suddenly suffocated by what she felt and had to walk, or run, or… not fly. She couldn’t fly.  That was what she agreed to.

She could smell the sea.  It was strong, even this far from the water.  The salt, the brine, the life that teemed within it, the seaweed.  It pulled her. Ten years she had spent in hiding on this earth, devising her plan to save the humans from themselves, to preserve the air and the oceans.  On a handful of still, clear nights, she had flown above it, and if she was far enough out to sea, dipped down and touched its mirror-black surface. At the time, it had fueled frustration and resentment, the taste of the salt in the back of her throat.  The humans didn’t know how good they had it. They didn’t know how far they could fall. She did.

But now, as she moved with quick footsteps, barefoot down the long stretch of pavement, the smell of the sea called to her.  She couldn’t fly above it now; that was the price of her peace and the deal Alex had made. It wouldn’t be that way forever, she reminded herself as her pace became more and more brisk.  But this was a promise that felt hollow.

She found herself striding across the asphalt toward the beach.  Was this life on earth? These humans with their primitive means of conveyance, hauling themselves across parking lots in little clusters, prostrating themselves before the golden rays of their sun, the one they called The Aten?  Dragging themselves and their folding chairs and sacks full of whatever and little mobs of shouting children out onto the sand for the chance to touch only the very edge of the ocean but never appreciating its vastness? Toiling and sweating for a little leisure and never seeing the largeness of it, the fragility of life, interconnected, on this fragile blue world?  Was this her chosen destiny now? To be small and unremarkable?

The thought filled her with inexplicable grief and rage.  She walked out onto the sand, tears spilling from her eyes, and brought herself to where the surf pounded against the beach.  Her toes sank into the cool, wet sand and the foam of breaking waves flooded around her ankles and tickled her calves. It was the ocean, yes, cold and enormous and brimming with more life than even the land held.  She had fought her whole life against feeling small, insignificant. She had craved validation, recognition, glory even. She became a great warrior, an excellent general. She would have been the savior of Krypton if they had let her and when they refused, she tried anyway, the only way she could think to do.

But they had not wanted to be saved that way.  And neither had the humans. Her way didn’t work.

She sat down in the surf, vaguely conscious of the humans farther out on the water, riding the crests of waves on longboards.  The water came in, and went out, and she sat, with tears streaming down, wondering if she could allow it to simply wash her away.  The ocean breezes teased her hair and played gently around her face, almost at odds with the grief and anger she was feeling.

She was not conscious of how long she sat there, listening to the cries of gulls and the laughter of children and the occasional murmur of puzzled adults wondering about the grown woman sitting fully clothed in the moving tide.  The sun moved a good deal before she heard footsteps she knew well, and the heartbeat that came along with them. She felt Alex’s hand on her shoulder.

“Astra!”  Alex knelt down beside her.  “Astra, what the fuck!? You gave me a heart attack.  You can’t just disappear like that, I had to get Susan to check your locator chip without alerting the DEO and…”  She stopped, looking at her. “What’s wrong?”

Astra was too overwhelmed by everything to speak.

Alex rubbed her back.  “Are you alright? Did something happen?”

Astra shook her head.  The truth was, nothing had really happened. 

Alex continued stroking her back.  “Listen, I don’t know what snapped in your head and made you do that,” she said softly, “but I’m here, and I’m looking out for you.  If what’s bothering you is too much, you don’t have to talk about it now, but you are actually sitting fully clothed in the ocean and we’re getting some funny looks.”

Astra wiped her eyes.  She gazed out at the humans, riding the waves.  “I wonder if that feels like flying,” she mused.

Alex squeezed her shoulder.  The pressure felt good. “Actually, having done both, I can tell you that it is kind of similar in some ways.”

Astra made a soft sound of acknowledgement.  Of course, Kara had to have taken her flying when they were children.  

Alex wrapped herself around Astra’s wet body and hugged tightly.  “Listen, crazy. Let’s go home and put on some dry clothes. You don’t have to talk about it.  We’ll just go someplace that I think might be nice. It’s quiet. It’s pretty. You’ll like it.”

  
  


**

  
  


Astra remained resolutely quiet as they walked up the dirt path toward the wooden arch labeled “Entrance”.  Alex dropped some money into a box with a slot, and they walked down a dirt path that was covered with leaves that made little whispering sounds under their feet as they walked.  

“What is this place?” Astra asked after they had been walking for a moment. 

“You’ll see,” Alex answered mysteriously.

Light filtered down through the greenery as Alex led them through the trees for what seemed like a while, until the path broke into a clearing.  Astra glanced around. Alex tugged her wrist and pointed up. Astra looked. The branches of the trees were covered in orange monarch butterflies.  Astra gasped.

There had to be thousands of them, settled all over the branches, wheeling in the air, and then settling back down, percolating with color and life.  Her heart lifted for a moment. So much life, she thought, it was miraculous. This was what she had been ready to fight for. Tears streamed down her face again, and she found a log and sat down, gazing up at them for a long time.

Alex sat down beside her.

“I know you still have grieving to do,” Alex said gently, after a very long silence.  “Kara still does, even now. But life on Earth… it’s not so bad, you know.”

Astra wiped her eyes.  Her heart was so full, she had trouble pinning down what she was feeling.  She spoke at last. “It is… strange.”

Alex waited.  She knew there was more.

“It is… it feels so small.  It feels so backward and primitive and … I do not know my own place or significance in it…”

Alex frowned.

“But,” Astra continued, “at the same time… I find such beauty in it… and in you… and I cannot help but feel it is more than I deserve.”

Alex wiped a tear away from her, and Astra leaned into her touch.  “You have lost so much,” she whispered. “You deserve whatever happiness you can wring from the world.”

“I was meant to save it,” Astra whispered, and her voice choked a little in her throat.  

“And you can,” Alex promised her.  “Just… not the way you were going to.”

“Your way is harder,” Astra sighed.  “And smaller.”

“Yeah,” Alex agreed.  “It is. But you know…”  She sighed, seeming to piece a thought together before speaking.  “I see in you the same hunger for greatness that I had… that I still sometimes have to struggle with.  You want that, but maybe it’s not for the right reasons. Maybe it’s you trying to replace love and acceptance, and … it’s not the same.  Even if you had achieved it, you wouldn’t have been satisfied. You understand, right?”

Astra considered this.  “That word again,” she muttered. 

“What word?”

“Love.”

Alex gave her a perplexed look.  “What about it?”

“It is… vague.”

Alex took her hand and gazed up at the clouds of butterflies above them.  “It’s not, really.”

“But there are so many different kinds of bonds,” Astra protested.  “Kara told me in Greek, they have six words for love, to describe different types of bonds, and this is not really adequate, but it is better than most human languages I have studied.”

Alex chuckled.  “This isn’t a linguistics problem, it’s a conceptual problem.”  She scooted a little closer. “Listen, at its base, to love someone means to treasure them, to care for them, to prioritize their safety and happiness.  Whether it’s familial love, or erotic love, or friendship love, that’s… that’s all just flavors of the same thing.”

This explanation made more sense than anything Astra had heard so far.  She turned and looked at Alex, looked at those dark, intense eyes of hers, and nodded for a moment.  “Then… what we share… is it also love?”

Alex flushed and seemed suddenly uneasy and shy.  It amazed Astra how her confidence could come and go so easily.  “I… I mean… I think so?”

Astra impulsively kissed her.  “I treasure you. I care for you.  I prioritize your safety and happiness.  This is by your definition a species of love.”

Alex became a little flustered now.  “Yes, well… that’s true… and yes, I mean… I feel that way about you too… I guess it’s just a question of… what kind of love? I think we’re still figuring that out?”

Astra kissed her again, this time with more passion.  Alex melted and poured herself into the kiss. “I think,” Astra whispered, “perhaps it is erotic love?”

Alex laughed quietly and Astra noticed the continued flush in her cheeks.  “I… yeah, partly. I think there are a lot of pieces to it.”

Astra felt something light brush the back of her hand.  She glanced down and saw that a great orange monarch had landed on her.  “Look,” she whispered, holding statue-still.

Alex smiled.  “He’s resting on his journey,” she said softly.

“Where is he going?”

“They travel from Canada to Mexico.  They stop here at this time of year. I’m glad we came at the right time.  I’m glad you get to have this.”

They sat suspended in that golden minute, while the monarch sat on Astra’s hand and stretched its wings.  They held their breath, sharing this moment of magic, of nature, of being part of life and the world. Alex had sometimes described in her best moments of meditation that she would feel immersed in and part of the world, and Astra imagined that what she felt in this moment, this intense connection to the earth, to the butterfly, to the woods, and to her lover, must be something similar to it.  

The monarch flew away after a few minutes.  Astra watched it go with a little pang of envy.

“We have time,” Alex promised.  “You’re broken, and it’s ok. I’m broken too.  We’ll figure it out. I don’t think I deserve love either, it’s pretty much the journey of my adult life, trying to figure out how to accept it.”  She kissed Astra softly again. “If you need to grieve, grieve. If you need to feel bad, feel bad. If you need to be angry, be angry. If things get to be too much, tell me so.  Just don’t run away from me again, OK?”

Astra nodded.  “I will try.”

And then Alex kissed her again, and her lips were soft and their touch was light.  Just like a breeze. Just like a butterfly.


	13. Chapter 13

Something changed after that day at the butterfly sanctuary, in the rhythms of their coming together.  They struggled, still, but they had a push-pull to their dynamic; if one pulled away, the other went after her to bring her back.  They both knew they needed this, and they both knew that they needed to be brave and strong when the other couldn’t.

They decided to take a breather on sex for a little while, instead exploring other forms of intimacy; swimming, drives up the coast through the redwoods, hot tubbing.  Alex took her to a firing range where you could practice with standard weapons (Astra found firing Alex’s Glock to be enormously satisfying) or rent some alien-made energy weapons for use on-premises.  They sparred sometimes in the park, hand to hand, until they were panting and Alex was slicked with sweat, and then got hot dogs from a food cart. She took Astra to concerts of all kinds, and watched her soak in the music, eyes closed, seeming transported to another state of being entirely.  And the food. God, she loved showing her new food. She loved the bliss that would come over Astra’s face upon her first bite of hibachi steak, or a bacon wrapped scallop, or a chocolate ice cream.

After a few weeks of this, Alex went to see her roshi, a relatively young guy who was part of the Dharma Punks, an offbeat brand of Zen Buddhism popular on the West Coast.  Koku Roshi was a Japanese guy in his early 40s who wore a bleached mohawk and had several piercings. He was perpetually good natured but serious, and felt much older than Alex although he couldn’t have been more than ten years older.  She told him as succinctly as she could what had been happening between her and Astra, and he took it all in with his usual beatific half-smile, nodding as she spoke.

“So, you’re most like the name I gave you when you’re with her,” he mused.  “Most intent on healing another and taking away their sorrow.”

She nodded.

“Then what is it that concerns you, Myoge?”

“I don’t know if it’s love.  Or what kind of love. Or how I’m supposed to conduct myself, morally, in this type of relationship.”

“You mean a sexual relationship with another woman.”

She nodded, blushing.

He squinted at her as if she were asking him something ridiculous.  “Sex is a powerful act of intent to create: the creation of pleasure, creation of love. It connects and syncs two beings emotionally, physically, and mentally and is the strongest expression of love that exists in this world. But I can’t really give you specific commandments. It doesn’t work that way.  Each intimate relationship is unique.”

He paused to see if she understood.  She nodded. He went on.

“It sounds like you’re still struggling with the gender of your partner, and wondering whether this fits into who you are and how you see yourself.  I say this. Love is your own personal choice. The universe has always held us under the morals of love. What you do… Is it with the right intent? Is it based on giving? Only you can answer those questions, Myoge.”  
  


**

  
  


“What does the roshi say?” Astra inquired when she came home.

Alex shrugged.  “He said a lot. I’m still processing it.”

Astra nodded, and slid over on the couch, patting the cushion next to her.  She understood that Alex needed to think about things sometimes before discussing them.  Alex curled up next to her, resting her head on Astra’s shoulder. Astra’s arm slid around her waist and drew her in close.  She was struck by how easy this was becoming. She shifted toward her a little more and put an arm around Astra and settled into her a little more.  She sighed for a long time while Astra held her and stroked her hair, and then kissed the top of her head.

“Alex,” she said softly.  “I would like to do this in bed.”

Alex sighed, not really wanting to move, but enjoying the thought of holding each other in bed.  “Okay.”

So Astra stood, and picked Alex up, and carried her to the bed.  Alex loved the strength in those arms, the power in that body. Astra laid her down, kissed her softly, deeply.  Then she slowly peeled out of her clothes. Alex watched. She loved the grace in that body, the beauty in its lines.  Astra tugged gently at Alex’s shirt and Alex cooperatively lifted her arms, and let Astra slide the shirt off of her, and then with the same slowness and care, pulled her pants off.  Alex loved the tenderness in those hands, the attention in their touch. They slid underneath the sheets together, wrapped themselves around each other. Alex’s heart was full, overflowing.  She wanted Astra, yes, but she wanted also to mend her wounds, fill her broken places with gold and make them more beautiful. 

Vulnerability was a hell of a drug.

It took her a moment to realize that they were both trembling in each other’s arms.  She kissed Astra’s mouth, lingered in it, tasted it. She was momentarily overwhelmed with sadness.

Astra felt the change in her.  “What is wrong?” 

Alex’s eyes welled up a little.  “I only wish my parents were still around.  I wish they could have met you.” She blinked a few times, to little effect.  “I wish they could have known me for who I really am.”

Astra kissed her once, then pulled back to look at her and consider.  “Who you really are. Meaning, as one who loves women.”

Alex shook her head.  

“You are not one who loves women, then?”

Alex dug a hand into Astra’s hair.  She was so beautiful, and she was laying herself and her hopes and her future in Alex’s hands.  And Alex wanted to give her, literally, the world. “As one who loves THIS woman.” And she kissed Astra, deeply, openly, with everything in her.

Astra moaned softly at this, and her lips parted, and they kissed with their whole bodies, with their whole souls.  “It is love, then,” Astra sighed against her lips.

“Yes, and…”  Alex couldn’t stop kissing her, and her words came as little spurts in between kisses.  “...it’s every kind… of love… not just erotic love… not just friendship… not just family… it’s everything … I love you… and I’m… in love with you… and I … want this to be… my life now… I want everything with you…”

“Are you mine, then?”

Alex pulled back and took a breath, gazing at her earnestly.  “Yeah, if you want me.”

“Yes, I want you.  And I am yours. If you want me.”

“Yes, I want you.”

They tangled in each other, and kissed until they were moving against each other and moaning softly and Astra whispered, “Alex… I am ready to make love to you… if you want it.”

Alex nodded.  “Yes, I want it.  I want you. I love you.”

Astra gently pushed Alex onto her back and began to kiss her, slowly and deliberately.  It had been a little while since they had shared sexual intimacy, and it felt so good to have it again.  This was where they belonged; in each other’s arms, naked, tenderly kissing one another’s bodies. Astra would ask before she ventured on, kissing her neck, then breasts, then stomach.   _ Can I kiss you here?  Is this good? Is this what feels best?   _ The gentleness of it, the easy pace, made Alex’s heart ache.  Astra may have been new to sex, but she was giving Alex something she had never had.  She was giving her intimacy. Caring. Sweetness. Love. She craved it.

Astra kissed the samurai on her thigh and said quietly, “I would like to taste you.  Do you want that?”

Alex became a little shy.  She suspected it was another one of those things that wasn’t a problem with her, but of not wanting who she was with before.  Guys would sometimes (definitely not always) try to do it for her and she never liked it. She always felt self conscious and it didn’t feel good.   “I do…” But she couldn’t keep the hesitation from her voice.

“You are worried I will not enjoy it,” Astra guessed.

Alex blushed.  It was frustrating sometimes how Astra could be so obtuse one moment, and so perceptive the next.  “Yeah, or that I’ll just be too self-conscious to relax and enjoy it myself.”

Astra smiled and kissed the samurai again.  “You are beautiful, and I love you. I love every part of you.  All of you is beautiful.”

Alex’s cheeks were aflame, and she didn’t even know how much was desire and how much was embarrassment.  “Astra…”

“You enjoyed doing this for me,” Astra reminded her.  “I will enjoy doing it for you. There are many things on this earth that I have not tasted.  You have been one of them for too long, I think.”

Alex laughed.  It was enough to break the logjam of her anxiety.

Astra placed her hand gently between Alex’s thighs, applying a little pressure, and Alex felt herself twitch under the touch.  With a little twinkle in her eyes, Astra added, “Besides, I have been reading the study aids. You should reap the benefits of my hard work.”

Alex collapsed back onto the pillow, chuckling.  “Overachiever,” she teased.

“Always,” Astra answered.

And then her mouth made Alex feel warm, sweet, intense things, and her tongue traveled and tasted and dipped inside her, and she fell apart fairly quickly, just as Astra had done.  Although she suspected Astra’s technique was better. “How… much reading have you… done?” she panted as she was nearing orgasm.

Astra waved a dismissive hand and continued licking her.  Alex couldn’t really make words after that, as the currents of pleasure in her body were too strong.  In between her own sighs and Astra’s efforts, Alex heard her muttering things:  _ My Alex, Mine, I love you, I love your body, I love your pussy, I love your taste, I love making you come, Come for me my love, Yes, You are beautiful... _

Alex felt the orgasm blossom up inside her sex and splash outward through her body, and she shuddered and cried out.  “Astra! I love you, Astra, I love you, I’m yours, Astra, I love you!”

Astra’s licking and kissing slowed, but didn’t stop.  She just kept trailing her tongue with aching slowness around Alex’s clit, so slowly that it didn’t make her jerk and shudder the way she normally did after an orgasm.  It just made a low heat start pooling between her legs, another little spring of pleasure bubbling up from somewhere.

“What are you doing?” she whispered in disbelief.

“I learned from my reading,” Astra answered after a moment, “that we do not have to be… ‘one and done’…. ‘She’ … does not need a break if it is done correctly.”  

Alex thought she had nothing left and was simply going to turn into a puddle.  Astra made her come twice more.

  
  


***

  
  


They moved to a loft apartment in the alien district, a bright, airy place where they could hear the chimes for sunrise, sunset and noonday prayers in the city.  Astra watched cooking channels on YouTube and began learning to make the foods she loved. She spent hours sometimes listening to music; she loved the complexity of jazz, the mathematical dissonance of modern classical, but nothing was more sensual to her than the primal pulse of rock and roll.  Alex taught her to swim, to surf, and to play Dungeons and Dragons.  She bought potted plants for the windowsill, flowers and herbs, and tended them lovingly.

Alex sought therapy for them both.  And the more the fear faded, the more they were able to quiet the internal voices of recrimination and judgment, the more they fell in love.  What had been tentative became an exercise in beautiful abandon. 

They resumed their exploration of sex and their bodies and each other, with results that were sometimes amusing:

 

_ “Alex!  You must read this!” _

_ “What’s that, baby?” _

_ “They are pleasuring each other orally at the same time!” _

_ “Oh, yeah, that’s a thing.  It’s called sixty nine.” _

_ “You knew about this?” _

 

Or:

 

_ “What is that?” _

_ “It’s a vibrator.” _

_ “What does it do?” _

_ “It vibrates.” _

_ “Why?” _

_ “Well, it’s supposed to feel really good, i guess.” _

_ “Do you have one?” _

_ “No.” _

_ “Wait… Look at my finger…” _

_ “Oh.  I guess I do, then.” _

 

Or:

 

_ “That’s too many.” _

_ “Are you sure?” _

_ “Yes I’m sure! Take one out. My pussy is not a Bag of Holding.” _

_ “You promised you would not reference Dungeons and Dragons during sex.” _

  
  


But then often, too, it was intensely satisfying:

 

_ “Like this?” _

_ “Oh god, that’s perfect.” _

_ “My heart beats the rhythm of your name, Alexandra.” _

_ “Oh God, yes.” _

_ “My body is here for you.  Is this what you want? Like this?” _

_ “Yes, keep talking.” _

_ “Your pussy is home for me, my love.” _

_ “I love you.” _

 

And it was all a journey of trust.  They carefully explored Alex’s interest in pain.  She had very clear limits, and once they found them, they stuck to them, but she enjoyed a little hair pulling, a little biting.  Astra studiously calibrated her strength so that she never exerted more force than Alex liked, even in the heat of pleasure. They fell into a kind of rough, hot, lovemaking that sometimes left little marks in Alex’s skin.  She liked the contrast between pleasure and pain, and enjoyed the blend of the two even more. Astra didn’t understand it, but it meant she didn’t have to hold back quite so much. And she always wanted it as hard as Alex could give it to her, not because it hurt, but just because it always felt best that way.

Things continued to mend with Kara.  Susan occasionally had helpful advice.  Alex finally cajoled her into quitting the DEO to come partner in the tattoo shop she’d been wanting to do.  Astra took a job at the firing range, and eventually also one teaching Kryptonian martial arts at the Combat Center.  Kara planned to move to National City after she finished her studies. They were knitting together a life that felt like home and family.

They lived, these two battered warriors, planting flowers on their bodies that had once been battlegrounds.  And every night, they felt stars. Millions and millions of stars.

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you've enjoyed this fic, please consider subscribing to my author profile... for reasons I’d rather not get into, I had to kill my old one and start from scratch, so I’d really appreciate the support.


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